What do you think?

Okay, so I'm working on this art .... thing, and I'm wondering: Where would a bird rather be? In the air? In a tree? On the ground?

What do you think?

Stuff I wonder about while watching summer reality TV reruns

1. Is Bret Michaels balding on top? If not, why does he wear that do-rag? Is it pre-emptive against the day he really IS bald?

2. What, exactly, does Jim Bob Duggar do for a living? And wasn't he running for office a while back? Did he win?

3. Does Gordon Ramsay ever get tired of throwing fake temper tantrums?
3a. Did any contestant ever tell him "Say it, don't spray it"? 'Cause that would be awesome.

4. Do any of these reality-show women with the giant fake boobs wonder what they're going to look like when they're in their eighties? With everything all, like, droopy and saggy and grandma-y, except for the GIGANTIC RACK O'BOOBS out front? See also: Tattoos. I mean, a tramp stamp on an eighty-year-old? Nobody wants to see that.

5. Am I watching too much TV? Never mind, I know the answer to that one.

Ew

The dead starling the cats had stashed under the bed Friday night was actually very much alive when I went to remove it, turning what I thought was going to be a body recovery into a live rescue.

And I'll tell you what, that's one tough bird, because judging from the evidence I found after the fact, I'm thinking it had been in the house since Thursday.

And this whole bringing-the-prey-into-the-house thing had better stop, pronto, or I'm nailing the pet door shut. Sheesh.

This week in history

A year ago this weekend, I was moving from my apartment into my first house.





We move shit hillbilly-style 'round these parts.

Hard to believe it's been a whole year. An ENTIRE YEAR since I've had to listen to someone else's cranking stereo at three in the freakin' morning.

Amen.

Freaky Friday - Fungus Focus

Hahaha, that sounds like one of those hokey segments on NPR, doesn't it? "Coming up next - Fungus Focus!"

Anyhow, check out what I've got growing in my backyard:




Ignore the feet - they're just there for scale. The mushroom things look kind of like pancakes - I wonder if they're good with maple syrup on top?

Recently Read

Skip it if you wanna.

1. Thank You For All Things by Sandra Kring. Novel about .... well, it doesn't really matter, because it was so formulaic. Take a character from List A, a situation from List B, and a funny character trait from List C. Blech. I never made it past Chapter 3.

2. The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry. Bo-ring! I gave it my best shot because it got good reviews, but gave up about a hundred pages in.

3. The Cracker Queen by Lauretta Hanson. Memoir. Interesting, if a little preachy toward the end.

4. Backseat Saints by Joshilyn Jackson. Novel about a woman trying to escape her abusive husband. A fast-paced summer read.

5. The Killing Tree by Rachel Keener. Novel about a young woman who falls in love with a migrant picker - Good, if a little overwrought at times.

6. Roseflower Creek by J.L. Miles. Sample line: "Her face lit up like one them angels I seen on a pretty store-bought Christmas card MeeMaw gave me once." hahahahahaPASS.

7. A World Made of Fire by Mark Childress. Novel about a family, set in the early 1900s. Started out strong, then sputtered and stalled until I gave up about two-thirds of the way through. Meh.

8. Labor Day by Joyce Maynard. Okay, I can't tell too much about this one without giving the plot away. The narrator was an adolescent boy, so it kind of came across as a YA novel, but it was still an interesting, quick read.

9. The Moonflower Vine by Jetta Carleton. Written in 1962, this was about a family and its secrets - Kind of dated, but still worth reading.

10. Addie Pray by Joe David Brown. Novel on which the movie "Paper Moon" was based. About a con artist and a young girl running scams in the thirties - very good!


Okay, that's it for now. Right now I'm struggling through "Lit" by Mary Karr, which is, by my count, her third memoir. I loved her "The Liar's Club", was a little less fond of "Cherry", and at this point, I kind of just want her to shut up about herself already. Sorry, but it's true.

Anything out there I should be reading?

About this whole mosque thing ...

Look, I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, here, but I'm a little confused. Wasn't "freedom of religion" one of the things this country was founded on?

Yeah, yeah, some of the Muslims are terrorist extremists, and that sucks, but there've been some pretty shitty Christians over the years, too. Spanish Inquisition, anyone? And some tenets of the Muslim religion seem pretty strange, but hey, anybody take a look at Mormonism lately? I hear they have some kind of thing about holy underwear.

I just don't see what the problem is. If they want to build a place where they can worship their god, who cares if it's two blocks from Ground Zero? I mean, it's not like they're gonna walk over and try to blow it up again or something.

It's like with the whole Tea Party thing, which is basically people being scared of people who aren't like them. I thought we were past that shit, but apparently not. Hmmph.


Okay, that's my little Current Events thing of the day. Now scroll down, 'cause I need some help with windows.

I don't know what I'm doing

... I know, what else is new, right?


A couple of weekends ago I was scraping and painting some of the exterior window frames (get away from me, bees!), and I've come to the conclusion that the windows in the bedrooms are really beyond repair. The wood strips between the panes of glass are breaking apart, the windows themselves have an alarming tendency to come crashing back down after you've opened them, and the storms and screens are all akimbo, to the point that some of the storms don't even come off any more.


If I get them replaced by the end of the year, I can deduct 30% of the cost off next year's taxes, so I guess I'm going to take the plunge.


Here are some questions: What kind of windows do you have? Are they replacement windows? Do you like them? Is there a feature you wish they had? Are they vinyl? Wood? Did you hire a local contractor or a "window broker" type place to install them?


Hey! It's called "blog research", people! Totally legit!


Seriously, if you've got any opinions on the subject of windows, I'm all ears.

Yet another million-dollar idea

You know how when you have to give your pet a pill, and the pet is all, "p-touie!", "p-touie!", frantically spitting the pill back out? And then you have to grab the now-slimy pill and try to shove it back down again?

Someone should make treat-flavored pills for pets. Pills that taste like beef, or catnip, or mouse, or whatever.

You're welcome.

Weekend Update: Good News/Bad News Edition

The good news is, I got the lawn mowed on Saturday.

The bad news is, it took me half the damn day to get the mower started. Next time it pulls this shit, I'm gonna set it on fire.


The good news is, I discovered where the bees are coming from.


The bad news is, I discovered it when I ran over their ground nest with the lawn mower and was swarmed by yellowjackets. Those stings hurt. Anybody know where I can buy some napalm?


The good news is, after having the plumbing worked on, the washer is no longer leaking out of the stand pipe.


The bad news is, now it's leaking someplace closer to the floor.


The good news is, I didn't have to water the garden this weekend.

The bad news is, that's because it started raining buckets on Saturday night and has not yet stopped.


I think I'm just going to write this past weekend off and move on. How was your weekend?

Freaky Friday!

HA! You all thought I forgot, didn't you? I did not forget Freaky Friday! But first, you need to scroll down to read the thrilling! conclusion! to Blacktop Watch. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Okay. Everybody back? Here we go:


Remember the trophies I grabbed from the side of the road?

Well, I found a use for one of them - meet my new hood ornament:

I'll bet I've got the only Saturn wagon in town with an eagle on the hood.

Blacktop Watch: Day OVER

So, I got home from work last night, changed into shorts and a t-shirt, put some food down for the cats, and was just kind of puttering around, when I happened to look out my kitchen window and saw my neighbor B. in my backyard.


Whhhhhaaaaa?


There he was, with a lawn chair and a beer, just hangin' in MY backyard.


What fresh level of hell is THIS?, I thought. IT'S NOT ENOUGH that he took over my driveway, now he's gonna take over my YARD? Oh, no. HELL, no. This is gonna stop RIGHT NOW.

I went out into the backyard.

"B.!", I said. "What're you doing over HERE?"

"Waiting to talk to you," he said. "About the driveway."

Just then I noticed his wife, L., heading over. And she was carrying a dish garden full of plants, and a couple of beers.

"We're going to start using our driveway tomorrow," B. said.

"Really?", I said, laughing. "Are you going to throw a party? Will there be balloons and clowns? Am I invited?"

B. laughed, and his wife handed me the dish garden and a beer. "We wanted to thank you for letting us park in your driveway," she said. And we all sat down and had a nice chat and beers.

Awwwwwww.

After thirty-seven days*, the siege is over.

I have my driveway back!




*not that anyone's counting or anything. THIRTY. SEVEN.

The Choir and Last Chance Highway

In my summer quest to watch every reality show on every station, ever, I came across "The Choir" on BBC America. It's about this dude in England who goes into an inner-city school and forms a choir to compete at the World Choir Olympics or some such bullshit.


The second season has just started and I haven't watched any of it yet, but I watched the first season and it cracked me up, because here's this poor choir dude, working his butt off to take a group of rag-tag kids and make them into a credible choir, and they workworkworkworkworkwork and finally get to the World! Choir! Olympics! In! China! and they take the stage and


they pretty much suck.


Oh, I mean, it wasn't horrible, but they were really pretty bad, and they didn't even make it past the first round.


Here's your life lesson, kiddos: You can workworkworkworkwork and STILL suck at life. Hey, better they learn it sooner rather than later, right?



Moving on, I caught an episode or two of Last Chance Highway, which is supposedly about animal rescue, but it's basically where this woman drives around with her husband and grabs people's dogs off their front lawns.


And if they're, like, "Excuse me! That's my dog!" She's all, like, "Oh, this poor little doggy needs a good new home! Let me take him with me!" And they're, like, "Hell NO, crazy lady! That's my dog!"



So yeah, that's pretty entertaining.

Oh yeah, and am I the only one who thinks L.A. Ink is pretty much played out? Frankly, I don't really give a rat's ass if Corey stays or goes, and I'm getting tired of Kat pulling that woe-is-me attitude all the time. Cheer up or go home, honey.

Coming soon: I review the TV Guide station. What else can I do? I'm running out of reality shows.

Dudes. Duuuu-uuuu-uuuudes.

They. had. one. more.

Following Bridgett's excellent suggestion in the comments, I went back to the garden store last night to see if I could find out the name of the manufacturer, even though I knew there was no way I was going to pay the original ninety-dollar asking price. Maybe the manufacturer's trying to unload some, too, I thought. I stopped at the clearance tent before I headed inside, and there, in a corner, was one more birdbath. This one was thirty instead of twenty-five, because the stand was in better shape, and you'd better believe I snapped that bad boy up.

And you know what's weird? I'm not even that into birdbaths, or mosaic tile, or koi, but I saw this thing and it just sang to me. I needed it. Is that odd?

Here's Little Girl doing her Price-Is-Right-lady-modeling-the-merchandise thing:

She's not really that gigantor. It's just the angle of the pic.

Oh! Oh! And also, in the clearance tent? GIANT RATS:

Dudes. How awesome are those??? The garden center is discontinuing its Halloween extravaganza and was unloading all kinds of funky stuff. I picked up all of those awesome rats for under twenty bucks.

I'm the happiest girl in the world.

*snif*

I live in the sticks

News item from today's local paper:

"Backhoe runs over man in (Local) County; buckets of marijuana found."

I'm a little curious about the "buckets of marijuana" thing - I mean, why would you have bucketfuls of pot? Don't you usually keep it in baggies? Unless maybe it's harvest time. Or maybe they were growing the pot in buckets? Hmmm.

Reminds me of the time, years ago, when a local teacher called the police because his house had been broken into. Trouble is, he neglected to get rid of the many, many pot plants he had growing in the backyard before the cops showed up to investigate the break-in.

He doesn't teach school anymore. Last I knew, he was working as an x-ray tech, which, come to think of it, probably pays as much as being a teacher, so all's well that ends well, right?


Be sure to scroll down to find out if the electrician showed up!

He Showed!

The good news is, he showed!

The bad news is, he only finished about half the work.

The good news is, he left a note saying that he'll come back today to finish up!

The bad news is, in the note he requested that I leave him a check for the full amount we agreed upon.

My fraaaaaaynd, I am not leaving you a check for the full amount when only half the work is done.

So! How to be diplomatic? I left him a note saying I did not feel comfortable leaving a check on the table, seeing as how I'd left a door unlocked so he could get in, and that he should call me when he's finishing up and I'll bring him a check.

Fair? I think so. Let's see what happens!

Did he or didn't he?

... show up, that is.

The independent electrician that I hired off craigslist was supposed to start work this morning. But given my history with itinerant tradesmen, I will frankly be surprised if I find him there when I get home tonight.

You see, there's a reason why people go off to work for themselves. It's because they can't hold a job in functioning society.

Ouch!

It's true.

I have never, ever hired an independent repairman who wasn't at least slightly off in the head. Just a few degrees off-kilter, if you will.

And frankly, I don't care if you're crazier than a shithouse rat, if you can competently solve my home-repair problems for a fair price.

The problem? These guys tend to have attendance issues. If you can get one to show up on a promised date, it's like a f*cking miracle. Once you actually get them to the job site, you're golden, as long as everything can be done in one visit, because getting them to come back again once they've left for the day can also be a problem.

So did he or didn't he?

I'm about to find out.

The weekend in pics

Little Girl, getting ready for her closeup:






I'm ready, Mr. DeMille:

Froggie went a'courtin', he did ride, mmm-hmmmm, mmm-hmmmm:

Water snake sticking out its tongue:

Mama deer with a spotted fawn:

She actually had twins, but I couldn't get them all in the frame together.

You guys, I went to a tent sale at a local garden center on Saturday, and they had this gorgeous birdbath, with a mosaic tile inset of a koi fish and a lily pad, and it was marked down to twenty-five bucks, and I was going to buy it, but I wanted to look at some other stuff real quick, and some lady had the NERVE to buy it before I could! And thinking about it later, I was SO MAD I was literally stamping my feet, all, "that was MY birdbath, dammit!" Grrrrr. It was the LAST ONE they had, too. Dammit. I almost went after the lady in the parking lot, to see if she'd take thirty for it, but that's just crazytalk.

So I went shopping yesterday for a birdbath. BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE DENIED. I didn't find one like the one that got away, though. So if anybody knows of where I can buy a birdbath with a mosaic tile inset of a koi fish and a lily pad, let me know, okay?

Freaky Friday!

First, scroll down if you want to hear the scintillating details about yesterday's doctor's appointment. No? Okay. On to Freaky Friday.

Remember the elephant lunchbox from a few weeks ago?

Allow me to present the elephant hat:

You can't really tell from the pics, but this hat is fabulous. The elephants are made of sequins, and all the scroll work is done with metallic and beaded thread, with additional sequins thrown in for good measure. It weighs a LOT.

Will I wear it? Depends on how drunk you get me.

Survey SAYS ....

... poison ivy. Or poison oak. Or possibly poison sumac. Definitely poison something. Something that brushed against my skin.


See that? My friends know as much as the doctor! Heh. Kidding, doc. JUST KIDDING.

Anyhow, it's not MRSA or some other flesh-eating monstrosity, which is all I needed to know. The doc gave me a prescription for steroid cream, which, you guys, if you thought I was cranky BEFORE, just wait until I start absorbing steroids through my skin, is all I'm sayin'.

Oh! Oh! And guess what? The doctor called my sock-as-bandage getup ingenious! HAH! I am ingenious!

Or, you know, insane. Either way.

Stay tuned - I'll try to get a Freaky Friday up a little later.