Stuff I've learned .......

...... another post in which I go all Andy Rooney on you! Here we go ......

Rice cakes are a waste of time. This is a lesson that I have to re-learn every few years. Seriously, the first few bites are just stale "meh", and from there, those suckers manage to go even stale-er at the speed of light. Don't bother.

Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the axe.

You have to set up a fish tank and let it run for a few days before adding fish. In other words, you can't buy the tank and the fish at the same time. Word.

You can take more than two aspirin every four hours. You can take four, or hell, even six, if the headache is really bad. If six doesn't do the trick, check to see if you've got, like, an arrow sticking out of your head or something.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trite, but true.

If you attempt to clear the snow from your windshield by turning on the wipers, there's a pretty good chance that all you'll accomplish is to fry the wiper motor, which is a three hundred dollar part. Get out and brush that shit off, you lazy bastard.

Do not buy dollar store cat food. Your cats will eat it, because it tastes good, but nutritionally it's like feeding them a diet of Cheetos. You don't have to splurge and buy the Iams; just don't go any cheaper than, say, Friskies or Nine Lives. Note: Nine Lives will not actually, you know, give your cat nine lives or anything. Just in case you were wondering. Oh! And buy the flavors whose first word is an actual animal product, like "Beef" or "Chicken". "Supreme Supper" is the scrapings off the slaughterhouse floor.

"Imitation is the surest sign of flattery" is bullshit. Imitation is the surest sign that you're an asshole who can't come up with any ideas of your own.

Don't freak out if you forget to remove the bag o' giblets and liver before cooking the turkey. We've all done it at least once - it's no big deal.

Do not ever, EVER, give a pet an emptied-out can of food to "lick clean". The edges of some of those cans can be incredibly sharp. Don't believe me? Run your finger along the edge of one. And then go to the ER for stitches.

Be on time. It might not mean much to you, but it's a deal-breaker for some people. It won't kill you to get there when you're supposed to, and you look like an uncaring, pompous jerk if you're late all the time.

Working with all men is a lot like working with a bunch of small children. You don't really want to get down to their level, and if you try to engage them it's just a giant pain in the ass, so you're better off staying out of it. Let them figure out how to do their jobs.

Don't worry about what other people think. They're just as likely to be wrong as you are, so who cares?

Insurance agents are idiots. Seriously. They were the jocks in high school who were too stupid to succeed in college, so their rich dads bought them insurance agencies to give them a way to make a viable living. Do not ever, EVER take the word of an insurance agent. They don't know what they're talking about.

Okay! That's what I've got! Anybody else?