So! One-thirty this morning. I'm sound asleep. Something - a sound, a motion, something, wakes me up. I see something moving by the bedroom door.
Is it a cat? That's a pretty good guess, around here. But no, no, it wasn't a cat ... at least it wasn't one of MY cats.
It's not really that unusual to have a cat visitor. I have a pet door, and it's not unheard of for neighborhood cats to pay a visit to my place from time to time, mostly to see how much food they can scarf out of my cats' bowls before I shoo them back out the pet door. So when I saw what looked like a cat, but not one of MY cats, at my bedroom door, it wasn't a huge surprise.
But no, it's not a cat. It's too big for a cat. And at this point, I'm desperately trying to struggle out of sleep, and fumbling for my glasses on the nightstand, and glad that I sleep with a nightlight (SHUT IT), because at least I can see a little bit.
Maybe it's a dog? Did one of the neighborhood dogs somehow get loose and get in the house? Geez, it doesn't really look like a dog ...
Okay, so I've got some of the fog cleared out of my head, and I've got my glasses on and at last I can finally see ...
HOLY SHIT IT'S A RACCOON.
Oh my God you guys, not just a RACCOON, but a GREAT BIG RACCOON, I'm guessing thirty pounds easy, and - TA-DA! I'M IN YOUR BEDROOM, LADY! OH HAI!
There is a RACCOON in my BEDROOM and I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. Tinks was about ten feet away from the raccoon, crouched down uneasily, and at this point I'm trying to figure out how the hell I'm gonna get the GIANT RACCOON out of my house, and
the raccoon started shuffling toward the living room.
I cautiously got out of bed and started following it, keeping in mind that even a raccoon is a WILD ANIMAL and can do some damage to your ass if it so chooses. I actually passed up an opportunity to move a snapping turtle out of the road on Saturday, because a snapper will TAKE A FINGER OFF, NO QUESTION, if you screw around with one, and I could not see any way of that scenario ending well, so I left the snapper rescue for one of the many, many road bicyclists out on that road on Saturday, and ... where was I? Oh yeah ...
THERE IS A GIANT RACCOON. IN MY HOUSE.
And here is where I thank my lucky stars, because that raccoon shuffled through the living room, through the kitchen, and right back to the pet door.
Where there was a nervous moment because I swear, I was not sure that that raccoon was gonna FIT back through that pet door, but
out he went.
Dudes. DUDES. I had a GIANT RACCOON inside my house last night, and lived to tell the tale. Amen. And I swear to God, this shit only happens to me.