Monday, June 10, 2013
The Chronic
Okay, guys, I've been sitting on this post for a day or so now, not sure how to hit "publish" without coming across as some kind of jerk, but here we go.
So! I am currently nearing the home stretch of my fourteen-day, three-mega-pills-a-day antibiotic regimen. I'm now on Week Three (or maybe it's Week Four?) of the Summer of C-diff. I've been sicker, most memorably as a young girl, but I don't know as I've ever been this sick for this long before.
(Insert standard First World Disclaimer here: Could be worse, could be in sub-Saharan Africa, could be dying of dysentery, etc.)
I do have some experience with chronic pain - I have a mucked-up jaw that periodically goes berserker - So I know what it feels like to have pain grind on, and on, and on, week after week, until you get to a point where
you stop railing against the machine. Yeah, you continue to pursue cures, and painkillers, and the elusive "treatment that may actually work", but after a while?
You've got a New Normal. You don't really believe that you'll ever feel any better, because you can't really remember not feeling sick. And you learn to work within the new parameters, because the alternative - exhausting yourself bemoaning your situation - becomes too tiresome to deal with after a while.
And I don't really know how to say any of this without inviting a "You haven't BEEN sick until you've been sick with *insert name of terrible disease here*" backlash, and frankly, it would be deserved. Because I HAVEN'T had cancer or MS or any of the nine million other nasty diseases that would make me sicker than I am right now.
All I know is my reality, and my New Normal. And right now, the New Normal includes the fact that it is summer outside, and I have got to drag myself out of my pity party and get moving. Whether or not I "feel like it". Yesterday I got some peonies and lilies planted, and went to Salt Springs to mosey around for a while. Doing laundry, however, seemed to be beyond my limited capacity. Go figure.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
If you can't complain about feeling like shit on your own blog, where can you? And yeah, there are people in way more terrible situations and worse pain, but your (generic "you", obv) broken leg doesn't make my hangnail hurt any less.
Damn, that sucks. And about complaining; you can't really compare yourself to someone else, because we all have our own realities that vary from one another. I don't generally see you as someone who complains just for the sake of complaining :)
I hope you feel better soon and will be able to enjoy the summer.
I totally agree with Robyn, and intended to comment saying pretty much the same thing.
Human beings complain to share the burden. We were not meant to go it alone, and feel better when we are able to share and commiserate. Do not feel you can not speak your mind - especially on your own blog. If someone does not want to hear it, they can simply not read it.
Jeez, I had to reread the post immediately to find the part where you are a "jerk". Huh? You feel exhausted from defeat......but this JUST HAS to be over soon somehow.
And about the fact that many people have worse or more permanent illnesses: Yeah, but it isn't a contest where you discover how well you "place" among them....Those are the people who can relate to what you are feeling....They know...They aren't waiting to one-up you. Well people can listen to you and feel for you, but they can't "know".
(Ah, crikeys, here comes another doofy, illegible fake word to figure out and copy down before submitting this....."Offroyea"? Really???)
It doesn't matter that objectively, other people have been sicker than you for longer. Everyone has his/her own compass. Like you said, we each have our own sense of normal.
My feet have been killing me lately, and when they're at their worst, my world seems like it's ending.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. It sounds pretty sucky.
awwww, thanks guys. You all are the best. *snif*
I am kind of mortified to discover that what I meant as a sort of "I Will Survive" post evidently came through as a cry of despair. Hmmmm...
And I'm finding it fantastically ironic that my all time favorite when-you-get-handed-the-sh*t-end-of-the-stick song, "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette, starts with the line "How about getting off of these antibiotics ..." - makes me wonder if she ever had to take Flagyl. Heh.
Thanks for your support - it means a lot. Feel free to come over here and b*tch about your hangnails any time. :)
Oooohhh, I like Alanis! I love "Front Row" and other stuff from that album and from "Under Rug Swept" and "Jagged Little Pill". (See what kind of attention span is at work here? I am forgetting all about your nausea! Hope I don't represent all your readers.)
One of my favorites songs of hers is "Uninvited" - I don't know if it ever made it onto one of her albums - I think it was from a movie soundtrack. I remember when her first single, "You Oughta Know", came out and blew me away.
I'm not sure if she's still putting out tunes, but I saw some pics of her recently and she looked really happy and healthy.
Post a Comment