I guess I'm doin it rong, because it's a week and a half in, and it's not really getting any easier. I'm surprised at how persistent this little addiction is. It's pissing me off that I can't just get over this already, and it makes me feel weak, and then I get angry. Arrrrgggghhh!
The one thing I really miss is having an ashtray around in which to deposit the crud I pick off the carpet. Oh, sweet Jeebus, I can't believe I just told you guys that, but you know what I'm talking about here, right? You're sitting there watching TV or whatever, and you look down and notice a little bit of fuzz or something on the carpet. I used to pick those up and put 'em in the ashtray, but now I have to cart them all. the. way. to the garbage can under the kitchen sink, which seems like waaaay too much trouble for a little piece of fuzz, and honestly? Sometimes the fuzz ends up in my pocket. Of course, god forbid I actually RUN THE VACUUM. (For one piece of fuzz? Seriously? Naaaahh.)
I don't think my boss wants me to quit. Twice now he's left a cigarette on my desk (which he NEVER did when I was smoking), and the other day, I had to go to the bank, and he asked me to stop at the smoke shop and pick him up a couple of packs. (To their credit, my co-workers actually burst out laughing when he had the nerve to pull that little gem.)
Since I quit, there are approximately 360 cigarettes out there right now that I would have smoked, but I haven't.
I. AM. TRYING. IS. HARD.
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4 comments:
Boss is a jerk. You rule. Tell him to stick his cigarette up his ass. Show him the clip from Dead Again where Andy Garcia sticks his smoke into his tracheotomy hole.
Put out a little plastic dish for the fuzz -- something that would burn if you dropped ash into it.
You were a smoker a long time. It's going to take more than a week to relearn your habits and let go of the fear and dreads. You are really doing an awesome job. Stick with it. It gets easier, but not all at once and not like it gets better and stays better. You'll have some good minutes. Then you'll have a good hour. After a while, you will have a whole good day.
You know, you hit the nail on the head when you said, "let go of the fear and dreads." The whole reason I decided to quit was because the fear of lung cancer down the road was starting to outweigh the fear of having to quit. And there is a great deal of fear about quitting; if you're not a smoker, I know that's hard to understand, but there it is. Not just fear that quitting will be hard, but fear that life will never be as enjoyable once you quit. Again, I know it's crazy, but that's what this does to you.
As usual, Bridgett, you're a great comfort. Thank you.
And just in case anyone's wondering, no, I haven't cheated. Not once. HA!
Oh, and by "HA!", I meant, "Take That!", not "just kidding!".
Just in case, you know, anyone was wondering ......
I think I told you that I used to be a smoker. Not as long as you, but long enough that it was hard to quit. I know all about the fear and the dreads. It's harder for me to be a non-smoker in the spring, when many of the first great outdoor hanging out times were defined by and (yes, I'll say it) enhanced by smoking. I'm glad I had that experience but it's not one that I need to have again because the price is just too high. And there are other glorious compensations, other lovely things to do with your hands (make mine a hot cup of tea held in both hands, steam curling up like smoke from the cup on those chill days of spring, spice tea that smells like a clove cigarette...see how I work this?). It takes a while to convince your head that the good times were not made good by the cigarette but by the leisure you took, the friends you talked to, and so forth. I think of it like a love object for a kid -- that security blanket that they convince themselves that they need to function. It's a shortcut. If you still need a love object, take the first month's cigarette savings and buy yourself a fabulous piece of jewelry that can be your new "thing" that you can wear every day to be always with you and remind you of your strength, grace, and "journey" (for lack of a less self-important word). Local artisan fairs (coming up in the spring) often have really good one-of-a-kind things. I'm not much of a jewelry wearer beyond my wedding ring, but I do have a few touchstone meaningful "power" pieces that I wear when I'm feeling embattled.
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