Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf*cking ants in this motherf*cking house!
A couple of weeks ago, I had my annual spring ant infestation at the house. Not the cute, little brown ants - the ones we used to call "sweet ants" when I was a kid - but the big, black variety - the ones who crunch when you step on them.
I went and bought ant traps, like I do every year, and spent a couple of days squishing ants, finally bringing a roll of toilet paper out to the kitchen (Klassy!) because it's cheaper than Kleenex when it comes to wiping up ant remains. Then, when a few days passed and I STILL had ants, I went and bought MORE ant traps, scattered them around, and finally seemed to get rid of the Great Ant Infestation of 2013.
Last night, I had to get up to use the bathroom (thanks, stomach bug! YOU HAVE WORN OUT YOUR WELCOME), and when I laid back down,
OUCH!
Something had BITTEN me on the NECK!
I grabbed my neck and JUMPED out of bed, turning on the bedside light, and what was there in my bed?
A GIANT ANT.
MOTHERF*CKER!, I yelled, grabbing a shoe to flip it off the bed and crush it. and crush it. and crush it.
I mean, the upside is, it could have been worse. It could have been a spider. Ants are skeevy, but spiders are creepy, and in the moment before I hit the light, I was actually all, "don't let it be a spider. don't let it be a spider."
But what the F*CK was a giant ANT doing in my BED? I have had enough with the motherf*cking CRITTERS in my motherf*cking BEDROOM! First it was the raccoon, and then it was the nine thousand MICE that the cats bring in and deposit under the bed "for later", and now it's ANTS.
Welcome to warm weather, I guess. GOD.
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8 comments:
Looking forward to your nature-loving columns in Animal Lover Magazine....
Pretty sure that the thing recommended for ants is the bait that they carry back to the nest and feed Momma and the Babies. Just read that, matter of fact. With spraying and trapping, you are just zapping soldier ants who will be replaced toute suite. Don't know what the little rascal was doing in your bed. Any cookie crumbs? How 'bout Cheetos? Maybe they are attracted to perfume or hair conditioner smells.
Ginny, yeah, that's the kind I bought, where they go in, grab the food, and take it home. I hadn't seen any ants at all for a couple of days, until last night. I'm thinking this was the last ant of the nest, bent on revenge, determined to stay alive long enough to avenge his tribe's death at the hands of the merciless human.
Little bastard.
p.s. Bonus point to anyone who gets the movie reference in this post's title.
Rocky, these are likely carpenter ants and they are bad freakin' news. They will chomp your house just as likely as they chomp you. (In the south, we used to call them "piss ants". No, I don't know why.) Go get some heavy duty perimeter bug spray and go to it. Also go around the house and see if there are any weak spots in the wood. Good luck!
Snakes on a Plane. The movie reference. My James watched it b/c he does not have a snake problem......If it were Spiders on a Glider, then he would faint dead away. I wouldn't care for either.
Becs, luckily, I live in a brick house (cue the Commodores song). If they're lookin' for wood, they picked the wrong place. Every year they come around, every year I put down traps, every year they disappear. Stoopid ants.
and Ginny, congrats! You win the bonus point. and I wouldn't watch Spiders on a Glider, either, so tell James he's not alone. But I think "Spiders on a Glider" is an AWESOME title - ten more bonus points for thinking of it.
I just wanted to say, I hate ants especially in the house :(
Um, carpenter ants can still destroy a brick house, unless your roof rafters, interior walls, and floor joists are steel girders....
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