Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dooce is getting a divorce. And I'm glad.

Because evidently I'm a spiteful, jealous person.

Look, I used to really like Dooce. She was one of the first bloggers I read regularly. And then she got famous. And rich.

And instead of blogging about her day-to-day life and the random shit we all deal with, she was blogging about flying to New York! to sign a book deal! And going to Africa with supermodels! And buying a new humongous house! And she was showing photos of her fabulous new furniture! And her incredibly, unbelievably expensive wallpaper!

And I couldn't relate. It wasn't even interesting to me, because if I suddenly got famous and rich I would do things differently than she. Humongous houses and wallpaper so expensive it might as well be made out of hummingbird wings are just not what trips my trigger.

The same thing happened with Pioneer Woman. I used to read her every day, until she got famous and rich and became One Of Them. Instead of one of us ... er ... me.

And so when Dooce, who has blogged extensively about how her husband is the greatest man ever in the history of the world, and about how she loves him SO MUCH, and about how if your marriage hits a rough patch, you just need to go for counseling and everything will be ALL BETTER, God, didn't you already know that? - when she announced that she and hubs were splitting up ... I was glad.

Because she is One Of Them. And I am not. Schadenfreude, baby. Sometimes it just feels damn good. And if that makes me a bad person, well, so be it. I never claimed to be Mother Teresa.

63 comments:

rockygrace said...

Oh wait, it gets better - not only are they splitting up, she also kicked him out of the house and fired him (he worked for her company). He's over on his blog basically begging for a job and a place to live. That's what happens when your wife gets famous and rich and you don't, buddy. Kicked to the curb.

How much do you wanna bet she's banging the lead guitarist for some emo indie band?

Jeezus I'm awful.

Birdie said...

I have never been a fan of the big name blogs. I tried reading Dooce several years ago and just felt sad and how she always seemed to be annoyed at her daughter. I feel bad for her husband and children.

rockygrace said...

The ironic thing is that she's written extensively about how she feels that her parents' divorce basically wrecked her childhood. And now ...

And I would like to say here that I know there are two sides to every story, and in this case I don't know either of them. I wouldn't be commenting on this at all, except she is a public person who write very publicly about the details of her life. And I think when you do that, you've got to expect people to talk about it, which I am. Am I wrong?

Birdie said...

Not at all. This is what we do as humans. ;-)

Zazzu said...

Yeah, when Dooce was all "Oh, Jon's so PERFECT! He's my SOUL MATE." I couldn't help but be reminded of Kathie Lee Gifford in the 1990's. Remember how she used to go on and on about her perfect husband Frank "The Love Machine" Gifford until he very openly cheated on her?

I've been married nearly 23 years and I don't think I've ever called my husband my "soul mate". Well, not while sober.

Jon needs to save every word that Heather's written, lawyer up and get custody of those children. Perhaps I'm overreacting, but I'm worried about them being left alone with their mother right now.

laura linger said...

What you said. A million times over.

I hate Dooce because she is the personification of smug, when she really has no cause to be that way. She is not a particularly gifted writer. She is not nearly as funny as she likes to think she is. She is not as cool as she wants her readers to think she is. If anything, she is very mediocre.

Were I her husband, I would lawyer up faster than that woman can blog, because not only has she kicked him out of their house, he has been ousted from the Armstrong Media company that he helped to create.

One more thing: either she's banging someone new, or he is.

rockygrace said...

ha ha, let's all pile on Dooce. Is fun!

Birdie, thanks for commenting. Zazzu and laura linger, thanks for stopping by! Maybe we should start an "I hate Dooce" club or something.

and I find her taste in music abysmal. So there.

Becs said...

Ah, hubris!

Anonymous said...

Man I knew their world was going to come crashing down some day soon, but I didn't see it playing out this way. I'm genuinely happy about this.

Pauline said...

Never read her blog, but it all sounds fair enough. Anyone too big for their boots finally gets their comeuppance, don't they?

Karma.

rockygrace said...

Poor Dooce. NOT.

Anonymous said...

youre glad because shes not...one...of...you? Different fails here? Lame.

Leonie said...

Wow... Just... wow. Happy? That someone is getting a divorce? Someone with children?

No matter how smug you may think she is, or how annoyed you are that she got successful and less relatable/interesting as a consequence (and I stopped reading too)...

I hope I'll never be writing about how glad I am someone is getting a divorce, because they've finally been taken down a peg, and it's just not fair they were happy and successful.

Is talking about it wrong? No. Celebrating? Hell yes.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Saucy said...

Reality check, everyone. She can now begin penning a collection of recycled posts and sell them as a book later on. Don't worry, I won't buy that one, either.

Saucy said...

Reality check, everyone. She can now begin penning a collection of recycled posts and sell them as a book later on. Don't worry, I won't buy that one, either.

rockygrace said...

Ha, Saucy, I never even thought about that! Leave it to Dooce to monetize her divorce.

Anonymous said...

Just to be clear - I'm REALLY REALLY (I learned that from douche) HAPPY about this because she is a genuinely awful person. Completely insufferable and narcissistic. And mean. Yeah I'm happy her life is falling apart. If I read tomorrow that she really did hang herself with a dog leash, I'd laff and laff.

Leonie said...

Anonymous - some life you must have, if you get true joy from the thought of a person off the internet killing themselves. It's not even someone who annoys you in your daily life - it's someone you seek out online to be annoyed by.

You're now officially like those people who egg on suicidal people until they actually kill themselves on webcam.

Sickening.

Just a quick memo - those people have family. Who will be devestated. She's got kids for crying out loud. And you'd think it was just great if she killed herself?

I can't even wrap my head around such icy cold sentiment.

I really don't get how you people can all be so thrilled, so damn chipper that someone who's never done anything to you personally is going through a really horrible time. What's happened to you that you're so horrifically bitter, that you feel like you have some god given right to rejoice at this because it makes you "even" - even if she never did anything to you personally at all? Just stop reading her website. Seriously. I did, when I started getting annoyed by her writing.

Not about to dance on her grave though.

Anonymous said...

Okay, just to be even CLEARER - where did I say I don't know her personally? Where did I say I read her posts. She is an evil, horrible person. I'm not saying YOU would wish death on her if you knew her, but you probably wouldn't be so quick to criticize me. And Heather & Jon - guess who? :)

Leonie said...

Anonymous - if you don't have the balls to speak to her in person and/or leave your name, you should probably just keep quiet, don't you think?

I can honestly say I've never hoped someone I know would kill themselves. If you can't, you've got bigger problems than Heather and Jon do right now.

Nothing to do with quick to judge, everything to do with having a sense of decency and humanity. Also, allow me reiterate: KIDS involved.

Jodi said...

I totally agree with your first 3 paragraphs. I used to LOVE her blog, read it for years. Then it completely changed.
I feel so sad for their girls :-(

pittbullgirl said...

I've read Dooce. Have to admit i don't get the whole 'most successful Mommy blogger' thing. Sometimes she's funny and/or interesting. Other than that I don't get it. So haven't read it in years.
I have to agree with Leonie. What the hell is wrong with you Anonymous? Cowardly much? Maybe you know the Armstrong's personally. Maybe they have treated you badly, or with outright disdain. Perhaps you're a disgruntled ex-employee? Who knows? No matter what the circumstances, it's far more telling about who you are as a person than them when you wish a person death.
I get that there is a certain amount of smugness when someone is brought down a notch in their life circumstances. Whatever. To go from smugness to glee over thoughts of suicide makes you a bit of a sociopath. If not psychopath.
Please seek help. No one here is qualified to help you with severe personality disorders.

Anonymous said...

This post is awesome. Dooce is smug, sumg, smug.

~~Silk said...

Rocky - Well, after you expressed surprise that this post was still getting comments, I had to come and see. Eh. Looks like a few people have taken over your comments area to snipe at each other.

What I find amusing is the way some folks say they no longer read Dooce, and yet they found this post. If they are not your regular readers, how did they find it, and why?

rockygrace said...

ha, ~~Silk, pretty sure you know the answer to that one ...

... now I'm wondering, if I googled "dooce" + "divorce", how far down I'd have to scroll in the results to hit this post ...

oh well. All are welcome. As long as you don't, like, show up on my doorstep with torches and pitchforks, that is ... oh shit, now I've gone and given somebody ideas ... I live in East Peoria, folks. East Peoria.

rockygrace said...

Holy f*ck I'm Number 3. Blogworld is a strange, strange place.

Anonymous said...

So the latest I'm hearing is that the douche threw Vagina John out because he finally stood up to her about her abusive fits. Mighty Girl (vomit in mouth) apparently had a lot to do with encouraging her. On another front, Douche has been spending a LOT of time with fashion-challenged Cami because she has a healthy relationship with a man who wasn't stolen from another woman. Plus, Douche is especially impressed that Cami didn't have to slut herself out before getting married. There's no new man in Douche's life yet, but apparently she's determined that her second marriage won't be based on her flexible moral standards.

Cinderella said...

Divorce is hard on kids no matter what a narcissistic smug person their mother is. After she became famous, Dooce was a turn off for that reason.

Too bad HE didn't leave her, is all I can say.

I don't like her much, she and Pioneer Woman both are irritatingly phony.

I wish Marlboro Man would walk out on PW and write a blog or book about what a shallow twit she really is.

Dooce and PW are both money-making machines and for that I say 'good on you' It doesn't mean I like them though.
Admire their marketing skills, yeah.
Admire tham otherwise as personalities? Not ever.

Now that's enough of my cattiness for the day.

rockygrace said...

Anonymous at 6:37, I think I love you.

And Cinderella, yeah, I gave up on PW a long time ago. I don't give a shit how much she paid for her pots and pans.

And if I never see another photoshopped pic of a bassett hound in my life, it'll be too soon.

Laura said...

I just checked Google - you're number TWO!

Anonymous said...

Hard Truths.

The Dooce empire is doomed. The HGTV deal fell through. The backlash against them means future deals are not going to be coming from any company that does their due diligence.

Heather is unemployable. On many levels. But just her notoriety is enough to disqualify her. I won't go into the fact that she has no discernable skills.

Jon WILL find a job. But lets face it. He's essentially been dicking around for a few years now. Titles you give to yourself are laughed at in the IT industry. Many, many 20 somethings are more talented than him. And he's getting to that age (people forget how old he really is) that companies shy away from. Old men are kind of...slow on the uptake. He'll get a job that would satify most 50 year old men who never really focused on their careers enough to become truly successful.

If they had saved during the boom times, they'd have a nice cushion to support their family along with Jon's soon to be middle class salary, Instead, they spent like Dominican's who just won the lottery.

For the above reasons, the posh life is at an end. Dooce is going to find out what being a full time mom is really like. No nanny. No Tyrant. No hour and a half at the gym. No poverty tourism. Just being a mom 24 hours a day on the salary of her middle class husband.

For these reasons, I believe the recent events are the best thing to ever happen to the Armstrong marriage. Heather is going to realize that she can't do this alone. She's going to actually begin to act (and I mean that in the thespian sense) like a loving human being. Jon will go along because he loves his kids. It's going to be a little dismal compared to the high times, but they'll at least be together and their kids will have a family. Marlo may even turn out normal because she wasn't subjected to the crazy times. Leta...well, Leta was never really normal to begin with. She'a always going to be a bit of an Aut, but she seems like she might be high-functioning. Hopefully the whole Dooce thing becomes a hardly remembered part of online history and she'll never know what was said about her by me or her own mother.

Anonymous said...

I live in NYC and loathe Dooce.com; however, there are so many distasteful things about the above comment - not the least of which is reference to Dominicans (by someone, I am very nearly certain, who has never met a Dominican) and the misplaced apostrophe therein - that the entire narrative is obviated.

Like a true Northeastern limouisine liberal "cultural elite" - I have had enough mommies, Mormons and Salt Lake City for a lifetime (and that includes this commenter).

Anonymous said...

Funny, I got the impression Jon left and that Heather did NOT throw him out. He seems (on his blog) to be happier about this than she is. But of course I dont really know. I also have to laugh a bit that she is so overwhelmed with taking care of the kids in the morning by herself. Welcome to motherhood Heather! Most of us do that every day! At any rate, I do feel sorry for the kids, divorce sucks. I honestly (and this is horrible) cant wait to eventually find out the real reason for the break-up. Gotta love a trainwreck!

Anonymous said...

Anyone who revels in another's pain - no matter what the situation - is sad and pathetic. I hope you never have to go through something like that with others dumping on you.

Anonymous said...

And yet...revel I do!

Anonymous said...

It is not that I revel in her pain but she is so amazingly melodramatic that you have to roll your eyes a bit. No one is dead. No child has cancer. Yes divorce sucks but instead of saying "this sucks", they both fill their blog post with little hints to keep people guessing, and coming back for more. Would not suprise me one bit if it was all a marketing ploy for traffic.

Anonymous said...

Exactly! Monetize the tragedy baby! I don't doubt that they're splitting up, but they're conditioned to package it for the Internet. Every move they've made in the past few years has had itself altered to be a witty narrative. "Aren't we quirky"? I think Jon will transition into a normal person pretty well. Douche will struggle, but eventually she'll be able to pretend to be a nice person. With her NPD that's the best to be hoped for. Those kids are doomed, however. Especially Leta, who had the odds against her from the beginning.

Anonymous said...

Backlash be a bitch, don't it?

Anonymous said...

To everybody who ever sent an email to Dooce. She says she reads them all but doesn't always reply. She doesn't read them. Jon or Tyrant read them and filter. I actually got a reply saying "Ha ha, you don't really think we let her read these". Not a shock, but just another indication of how fake she is. Go back and read some of her entries and keep in mind that she has a personal assistant and a nanny. And no job. She is agonizing about her life as a single mom. How will she ever fit in her 1 1/2 hours at the gym? The trip to see mighty girl for new year's was so hard to schedule. And going to Bangladesh with a supermodel? Good god! How will I ever survive? Here's a hint, Dooce. It's over. You can't get a job. Jon is your only chance to bring in money. It's all over. The only remnant of your "fame" is the bad taste it left in everyones' mouth. Die. Screaming.

Anonymous said...

Oh how I miss pooponpeeps.

Anonymous said...

Has anybody else noticed that since she kicked Jon out, she's putting up "sponsored" posts like crazy? It's like she's frantically grabbing for the money with both hands before it all goes away.

Oh, and I noticed that Jon's been "helping" her with several of the sponsored posts. Looks like he's not as useless as she thought he was.

Anonymous said...

You are all so incredibly jealous. It's obvious, and it's sad. There's never a good excuse to revel in another person's misfortune. And as long as you think/act this way, you will always be small, petty, and ruled by jealousy.

Anonymous said...

I am so sad to see so much evil glee here. It is incomprehensible. For all you little, tiny, miniscule people, I hope that you will live long enough to grow as a person, at least a little bit.
And if you don't? Oh well. Right?

Anonymous said...

When people are elevated to a pedestal because of excellence or good works, and they smile shyly down (aw, shucks), when they fall off or are pushed off --- people are disappointed and sad.

When people climb onto a pedestal over the backs of others, scratch and claw their way to the top, claiming credit for good works others are doing, when they fall or are pushed off --- people cheer.

Jealousy has nothing to do with it.

(Rocky - I'm using anon because I don't want any of these people visiting me, but I am Jasper's mommy.)

Anonymous said...

Wow. This has become a mean, mean place. May none of you ever be judged in the way you are judging others. It would be way too wicked.

Amy - Hamlet's Mistress said...

Hey Anonymous... or should I say Chicken Liver... How you doing? Miss your blog. You must be kicking yourself now for shutting it down. Now that you can't write post after post of "I told you so"'s and can do nothing more than take over someone ELSE'S post... albeit a slightly misguided and sociopathic one... to spew your hatred and vitriol.

Anonymous said...

Look, I don't wish harm on the Armstrongs but I have to admit a part of me will chuckle when they have to go back to living the same kind of life us plebeians live...no more trips to the White House or hanging around supermodels or buying enormous houses furnished by companies when they can easily afford to do it themselves.

They are grown adults and live online. Their choice. I will reserve my sadness and sympathy for their innocent victims, the children and even the dogs, who must be feeling the tension.

Marlo will never remember living with two parents.

that is, if this isn't some grand publicity stunt,and I really do not think it is. Doing a video about IKEA furnishing a house for a millionaire while Jon allegedly is paying out of pocket to furnish a small apartment is about the worst publicity possible for Il Dooce.

Anonymous said...

I am shocked and sad about the breakup. I am hoping they get back together, but I don't have a good feeling about it. I've always thought Heather was a clever writer and she seemed lucky to have Jon. He was devoted to her and the kids. She seems like a real handful. I hope she gets the help she needs. The therapist who told her she "graduated" needs to lose his/her license. Her oldest daughter has reached the age Heather was when she experienced trauma as a child, and she's acting out all over the place. In my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Well, now that Dooce is posting that she has a book coming out in April I am 100% certain this separation is a publicity stunt. How did that little detail slip her mind?

Theresa said...

I agree completely. who reads them anymore? probably not bloggers...they really aren't interesting now they are more like celebrities.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the book - let's see ...

Taking old blog posts and recycling them into a book and calling it "new"? Check.

Monetizing your daughter? Check.

Yeah, she's pretty predictable.

Anonymous said...

I love this post. Of course, I don't wish any serious harm to her family, but if it's wrong to say someone is a smug motherfucker and to feel the Schadenfreude when she is having difficulties of her own making, then I'm right up there with you.
Interesting comment about her friend Maggie (Mighty Girl, another worthless blogger with no real job) egged her on to kick John out now that Maggie is single. BTW, Maggie is also quite smug and she was dumped by her husband, after many public declarations of how wonderful and perfect their marriage was...it seems to be a trend among smug Mommy Bloggers: all is sunshine and roses until the court papers and restraining orders make an appearance.
And to the commenter above who keeps yammering on about how horrible and mean we are and who keeps bleating about the chee-ill-drun, thanks for the reminder. Won't someone think of the children? Obviously, Douche was not thinking about her kids when she chose to have them when she herself is mentally unstable and she's in a questionable marriage. How completely selfish and mean of her.
And generally, no, I don't feel overly bad for them. I feel bad for someone like my own mother, who was widowed at age 33 with three small children. Douche has money and the children will still have two parents and will be provided for. It will probably be better for them to not see the drama and fighting of their parents trying to live together. And I'm also on Team John. Douche sounds as if she'd be exhausting to live with.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for publishing what so many believe but are too afraid to admit in public. These women put their entire lives online, yet don't expect any criticism, only belly rubs. Just desserts, I say.

Syndi said...

Personally, I think the breakup must have something to do with Heather's friend, Cami. To me, Heather seems obsessed with Cami and her rotten tast in clothes.

Anonymous said...

I am saddened to read your post and all these comments. Where has compassion gone? Americans love to build up a hero just to tear her down. Sad reflection of the times, this post and its comments.

Monique said...

Mostly you spins jealous

Jameykay said...

No matter how you or anyone else looks at Heather's situation, you have absolutely no right to be remotely glad at her heartbreak. Whatever justice you think karma may have served to her, you better bet it'll come back to YOU. All she did to you was exit the realm of being able to relate to the "normal joe". Maybe you really are jealous of her success, especially since it appears your blog post reveling in her despair is your most popular post... ever. I'm sorry that you failed to make good decisions that could have lead you to a happy and fulfilling life. You must be one sad miserable sack of a woman to take so much pride in bashing another. It's so easy, though, isn't it? To hide behind your screen, you and everyone else contributing negatively to this, and say what you say. It's evil, cruel, and heartless. Don't ever wonder why you are where you are in life at 50 years old, it's obvious in this post alone.

~~Silk said...

Holy crap! I can't believe people are still reacting like this. Let it go, people! Ok, you have a hero worship condition and a problem with people who don't drink the same Kool-aid. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!

Merely expressing an opinion doesn't affect anyone, Rocky has a right to hers and so do you and they can differ, but getting all steamed up and insulting Rocky DOES affect you. Stress is not good for anyone. Calm down and let it go.

(I worry a little about the latest commenter. She shows signs of stalking Rocky.)

jasi said...

so if someone is not like you, you wish bad things for them? if someone hides the bad parts of their life from the public eye they deserve to be unhappy and have somehow betrayed you? do you reveal every flaw of your life, marriage, house, children to friends and strangers? you're mean-spirited and super crazy, and yet, i still don't wish bad things for you. feels good. =D

Melinda said...

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Penny said...

Anyone who relishes or celebrates the pain and sadness of a couples demise into divorce, especially a couple with children, has some nasty karma coming for them. You are a very sad, small person.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you guys. I hope she's found swinging from a dog leash with her eyes bulging out of her face.

Anonymous said...

I love the crybabies bawwwwing about how mean and small and hateful everyone who took schadenfreude in this are. So delicious, their tears of impotent rage as they shriek about their misguided ideas on karma and how much better they are than you for not ripping into Dooce, even as they rip into you because apparently that's hunky-dory. Such hypocrisy! Such laughable indignation! Don't ever stop, you magnificent toadies!