This Post Brought To You Courtesy of Eliot Spitzer

(Seriously, I originally wrote the following mess quite a while back and just shoved it to the back of the drawer, but since this whole Spitzer thing broke, I can't resist putting this up for the world to see. Fasten your seatbelts - it's gonna be a bumpy ride.)

Ok, so this post is going to be pretty much chock-full of overgeneralizations and stereotyping - you've been warned. And this post may or may not be influenced by the fact that drunk men keep showing up on my doorstep - I'm not sure.


I was listening to the song "Roberta" by Billy Joel, which is basically a love song to a prostitute. And I got to wondering why men tend to romanticize prostitution. I mean, other than the fact that they can hand over some money and get laid, no strings attached, what's the fascination? It's just a business transaction. Most hookers I have seen are not exactly overly attractive. So why would a guy pay to sleep with someone he would not sleep with for free? Unless, of course, he can't get anyone to sleep with him for free. But why would you want to have sex with someone who's only doing it because you're paying her? That just seems kind of demeaning. (To you, not to her). I guess if you're horny enough,it just doesn't matter? Oh, and when a woman sleeps around for free she's a slut, but if she gets paid for it, that's ok? Oops, don't even get me started on the whole "slut" thing. Ditto the Madonna/Whore complex. I just don't have time to go into it right now.


So then I got thinking about strippers. While men fantasize about prostitutes, they go nuts for strippers. Maybe because men rationalize that strippers are not prostitutes? Um, better check your sources, guys. And while strippers are generally better looking than prostitutes, they're still not someone you'd really want to take home to mom. Or is that the attraction? Oh, and what do strippers do when they're too old to strip anymore? Go back to school and become nuclear physicists? (Oooh, am I implying that strippers are dumb? Let's put it this way: If you think that stripping is a viable career option, you're maybe not the sharpest tool in the shed. And yes, I know that it can be very lucrative, but taking off your clothes for money? Come on. Although, hey, it's your decision. I'm not saying it's wrong; I'm just saying .... oh, hell, I don't know what I'm saying.)


Moving right along, let's talk about porn. I have nothing against porn. Watching porn can really liven up a relationship that's maybe a little stale. But I don't understand men's complete and utter fascination with porn. I mean, while porn is a turn-on, if you've seen one porn movie, you've basically seen them all. And I don't understand watching porn by yourself. Really, unless you're watching porn with a partner, your options for action at the time are kinda limited. (To your HAND - hahahahahaha! Sorry, that was gross. But true.) Oh, waaiiiiittt a minute!! I just had a little glimmer of insight there. And I don't wanna talk about it! Ok, let's talk about it. To me, masturbation is something you do when you're horny and there's nobody around to have sex with. A poor substitute, at best. But maybe to guys, sex is sex is sex? Is masturbation sex on a par, quality-wise, with real sex, for men? Is that why they jerk off all the time? Oh, folks, I can't believe I'm writing about this. I should be blushing right now, except I'm not.


Remember when you first found out about sex? And at first you were all, "oh my God that's GROSS ew ew ew", but then you got a little older and the hormones kicked in, and sex was the most fascinating thing EVER?! And all you wanted to do was hold hands WITH A BOY OH MY GOD, and kiss, and sometime in your mid-teens, have sex? Yay sex!! Then you got a little older, and here's where men and women tend to part ways. Once the initial fascination over the whole thing wears off, it seems to me that women just accept the whole sex-with-other-people thing as just another interesting facet of life. Confusing sometimes, joyful sometimes, just like everything else in life. But men never grow out of that "oh my God it's SEXSEXSEX!!!" thing. It's like they just never grow up where sex is concerned. And yes, I do enjoy sex - very much so. It's just not an all-consuming, mystical thing for me. When it happens, it's great. And when it doesn't happen ..... well, it's not the be-all and end-all of life. Just a part of it. An important part, granted, but just a part.


Ok, I know this was kind of a random mess - just thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone wanted to posit any explanations for men's fascination with all things sex. I mean, am I being really naive here? Is there something wonderful and magical about prostitutes and strippers of which I am not aware? Is it like some big secret that everybody knows about but me? Are people going to comment, like, "Oh my GOD you are an idiot let me spell it out for you!" Please, do. Because I'm afraid that maybe I'm really missing out on something basic here that I should know.


Oh, and if anyone wants to comment something along the lines of, "Gee, I sure can see why YOU don't have a boyfriend!!", go right ahead! I'm kind of expecting something along those lines, and I'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen!


And I KNOW that Billy Joel is lame, lame, lame. But some of his old stuff still holds up. Not much, but some. I defy anyone to listen to "The Entertainer" and not enjoy the shit right out of it.

Oh, and Eliot? Keep it in your pants, man. PLEASE.