Friday, February 27, 2015
My Six Hundred Pound Life
Do any of you watch that show? On TLC? I find it fascinating. The amount of food those people can eat, for one thing. And the way they do it. They'll take, like, a normal bite of a burger, but then, instead of putting it back on the plate, they take another bite, and then they start, like, working their jaw around the side of the burger, and all of a sudden the WHOLE DAMN THING is in their mouth, like watching a snake swallow a rat or something. They have to WORK to get that friggin' burger all in their mouth at once, but dammit, they're gonna DO IT.
It's like watching a competitive eating contest, except with only one competitor, and the contest never ends.
And their family members. OH MY GOD, their family members, who are running out to Burger King at eleven at night to get another sack of burgers to feed a person who is already so fat they can barely get out of bed. It's the definition of enabling, right there.
I'm not making fun of these people. Everybody's got something. It's just ... really, really interesting to watch, is all.
This is the time of year when I start to put on weight. Every year, right on schedule, after months of being inside and not nearly enough working out, the pants start to feel a little tighter. I'm probably up about ten pounds from where I was in the fall, but I know that come spring, when I'm coming home from work and changing into jeans and heading right back outside again, the weight will come off.
And honestly? When I'm thin, in the summer, I start to think that maybe I could stand to GAIN a few pounds. Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much to sit on a hard chair if I had a little padding back there. Maybe ... my face wouldn't look quite as gaunt if I weighed a little more, although I think that gauntness may be more a product of age than weight.
But then comes February, and I actually DO start to gain some weight, and I panic. Oh my GOD my face feels ... full! My stomach feels flabby, despite ninety billion flipping Jillian crunches! I can't get FAT!
And then I feel like an a** hole for even fretting about it, when there are real problems in the world and people out there who weigh FIVE TIMES what I do. Nobody cares about your ten pounds, Rocky.
I just wish I could gain some weight and not have to worry about it, is all. Maybe someday I'll get there.