xoJane: It Happened To Me

... My neighbor asked to fertilize my lawn.

First off, are any of you familiar with the ridiculousness of the "It Happened To Me" column at xoJane?  If you ever need to kill a few hours being amazed at the cluelessness of people, head over there.  It's kind of like Dear Abby, except without an Abby, and the comments are priceless.  It's like where the Dur brigade gathers.

Okay!  So!  I'm out puttering around in the yard last night after work, when I notice that my neighbor B. is lawn-stalking me.  This is actually kind of oddly adorable; whenever B. wants to talk to me, instead of just coming over and ringing my doorbell, he'll wait until he notices me out in my yard, and then he'll come out himself and kind of ... shadow me until he sees a conversational opening.  Last night, first I was cleaning out the car (miracles do happen), and I noticed that he was sitting on his front steps with a cocktail and a cigar.  Then, I headed out back to pick up some branches, and sure enough, there was B., out back by his picnic table.  FINALLY, he wandered over, started to chat, and then said,

"Rocky?  Can I ask you a favor?"

"You can ask me anything you want, B.," I replied.

"Welllll," he said.  "You know I use a lawn service, right?"

"Well, sure, B.,"  I said.  "They come and do the fertilizing, right?"  And I can only WISH that they did his mowing, too, because this is the neighbor who grass-scalps my back yard.  This is ALSO the neighbor who parks in my driveway for months at a time, but, whatever, bygones.

"Right!," he said.  "Now, you see this grass here?," he asked.  We were standing pretty close to the shared property line, where it is obvious that he chemicals the sh*t out of his lawn and I do not, because my lawn is grass and crabgrass and creeping charlie and god knows what, while his lawn is ... grass.

"Yep!," I said, laughing.  "You sure can tell the difference, right?"

Look.  To me, a lawn is a lawn.  From a distance, you really CAN'T tell the difference between his lawn and mine, and frankly, I don't care if it's crabgrass or creeping charlie or spray paint, green is green.  But I understand that some people take great pride in their lawns, and hey, whatever floats your boat.

"Yep, you really can tell!," B. said.  "So I was wondering ... this little patch here ... between your garage and the property line ... would it be okay if I fertilized that? I'll pay for it, of course."

whaaaaaat?

"Um ... sure!," I said.  "I'm not really a big fan of the chemical stuff, pet-wise, but my cats already run all over your grass after you've fertilized THAT, so ... go for it!"

"Okay!," B. said, obviously relieved.  I'll bet he's been stewing over this for weeks.  "The next time the TruGreen guys come, I'll tell them to go ahead and do that area."

"Okay, B.," I said.  "Good talkin' to ya!"



I ... we're talking about MAYBE fifty square feet of lawn, here.  In between my garage, and the property line.  On that side of HIS house are the bedrooms, and they keep the blinds drawn, and the only VIEW out of those bedroom windows is the side of my garage so ... it's not like they're looking out on that grass all the time or anything.  I ... am baffled. 

But if B. wants to fertilize that little scrap of lawn, well, he can be my guest.  Now if he'd just send his plow guys over in the winter ...