Okay, so I think it's possible that I'm going to regret hitting the "post" button, but I've been mulling something over for a while, so here goes ...
There are a few bloggers I read who are currently mourning the loss of a parent. And I mean they are GRIEVING, HARD, with post after post about how much they miss mom or dad and how sad it is and how they'll never ever get over this loss and ...
... when my Dad died, in 1999, I was sad. He passed away just six weeks after his cancer diagnosis. The doctors had given him six months; I think he just wanted to get it over with. I was scheduled to fly down to Florida to visit with him and Mom, but he died before I got there. I was sad about that; that I didn't get to see him one last time. But his death was not altogether unexpected; he'd been a heavy drinker and smoker his entire life, and he did make it to seventy-six. So I was sad, but I wasn't heartbroken. Everybody dies ...
... except, apparently, for my Mom, who is now eighty-seven. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease eleven years ago, not long after my Dad died. Mom just keeps fading, and fading, and fading. She doesn't know where she is or who anybody is. Sometimes I think she recognizes me, and other times I'm pretty sure she doesn't. Right now she is in respite care in a local nursing home for a week; a trial run, as it were. I'm sure that soon she'll be in nursing care full time, as she is less and less able to function. Ironically, other than the Alzheimer's, she's healthy as a damn horse - I could see her easily going another ten years, a husk of who she used to be.
And will I be sad when she dies? Yes. I'll be sad that she missed out on so many years, there in the fog. I'll miss the woman she used to be, before her brain started getting eaten away by disease. Will I mourn, will I grieve? Maybe, but I don't think so.
Does that make me a bad person? That I won't be falling on my knees, rending my clothes, sobbing my eyes out at her funeral, like all those other bloggers? I hope I'm not a bad person. But maybe I am. Because you know what? I mourned the passing of my cats more than I grieved the loss of my father. My cats were part of my everyday life, and I only saw my Dad a few times a year, due to geographical distance. My cats loved me dearly, and my Dad? Well, I'm sure he loved me, but he was a typical Dad of his time, and shows of affection were not something he did. Put simply, we weren't very close.
So yeah. I cried more over my cats than I did my Dad, and I don't think I'm going to be too awfully broken up when Mom dies.
Man. Maybe I really AM a shit.
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8 comments:
I was sad when my Mom died, but the first weekend I thought, "Oh, thank God! A whole weekend to myself! I don't have to go over to Mom's!" I remember someone at work said years after her Mom died, "It was such a relief. Let's face it, you know how Moms are." So there's always some good with the bad. Plus, I imagine those other people are doing extra rending because of the holidays. I blinked back a few tears for Mom the other night, but then I spent some of her money. So I think you've just acknowledged the stage of grief they don't talk about, the Relief stage.
Yeah, I don't think you're a bad person :) I do think that there are as many ways to mourn/to not mourn as there are people out there; everyone reacts differently -- and nobody's better or worse for it, it's just very personal. And I second the queen, the holidays must bring all this out more - I know it does for me.
Besides, I know that when the time will come for my father to, umm, take the exit...I will most likely be pretty untouched by it - whereas I still have difficulty even thinking about a cat I had couple of years ago -- and he didn't even die, I just had to give him away. Awww, still miss him like crazy.
No one can tell you how to grieve or if to grieve. If it makes you feel better: I didn't know anyone who died on Sept. 11, and I didn't know any first responders. I don't personally know anyone who lost loved ones either. They're strangers to me. I'm sad in general way, but the event made me more scared than anything. No tears were shed on my part. I can tell you where I was when I heard the news, but I can't grieve over someone who didn't touch my life. I didn't lose anything that day, so I can't experience loss.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
My mom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in March. She died in July. This was many years ago. I cried when I found out she was diagnosed.
And I know this is a horrible thing to say, but almost all of the pain in my life went out when my mother died.
I have frequently said it was the best thing she ever did for me.
I think there's also a difference between "done" and "not done yet". When a person or animal is "done", it's ok. When they're "not done yet", we rail against fate.
Ooh, I like the idea of "the Relief stage."
and ~~Silk, you're absolutely right. When my cat Rocky died, he was fifteen and had cancer - it was time. When The Runt and Little Girl died, they were still practically kittens, and it just about slayed me. So yeah, there's a diffence.
Thanks, guys, for letting me know that I'm not crazy. Sometimes I wonder.
a sociopath wouldn't grieve. The fact that you do means you aren't... doesn't it?
I have felt my heart break with the death of my cats (my parents are still alive). But time passes, and I remember that I chose to bring them into my life knowing their journey would end long before my own. This is how life is supposed to be. I now miss them, but my heart has mended and life goes on.
Sometimes I feel "less then" because I see others grieve for long extended periods and appear to have deeper grief then I felt I have, but in general I feel that doesn't mean I loved any less.
Thank you for this post. It feels nice to hear someone else talk about feelings I have felt about this subject.
~*Connie*~, thanks for stopping by!
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