..... water pump, for $274.26.
And it turns out I narrowly averted disaster on this one, as everyone has been eager to tell me after the diagnosis. It seems that when the coming-unmoored water pump pulley (so that was the metallic clashing noise. Huh.) finally slips its surly bonds, the very least that happens is you end up on the side of the road with an overheated engine. And if the pulley is, well, enthusiastic and decides to clang around a bit in your engine compartment after breaking free, you can be well and truly screwed.
Lesson learned.
*Family Feud. And don't even try to tell me that you didn't watch it too, back in the day.
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