Thursday, April 30, 2009

........ and then I transported a fish in the office coffeepot.

......... what? You think I'm kidding?

Thanks to Bridgett's brilliant idea, I was able to find a new home for Tattoo Molly with a co-worker. And actually, the coffeepot made a really excellent transporter - relatively stable base, with lid so the fish can't jump out. And if the Boss's coffee tastes a little funny? Oh well!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Easily Amused

One of my co-workers just informed me that the Boss had taken a soda of mine out of the communal fridge, taken a SWIG out of it (*shudder*), and put it back in the fridge.

At first I grabbed the soda and tossed it, but the co-worker said, "No! Leave him a note!" So, ala, I wrote a note saying, "This WAS my soda, jerk!!", taped it to the soda, and stuck the soda back in the fridge. Then ANOTHER co-worker said, "You should put something IN the soda - something gross - and stick it back in the fridge without a note."

We all laughed until we cried, because REALLY, what kind of a JERK takes a swig out of someone else's SODA?

Then I poured about a half a cup of salt into the soda and put it back in the fridge.

I was kind of wishing I had some battery acid or something, but then I'd be out of a job. And in jail.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

now THIS is just creepy .......

I'm reading a newspaper article about the Gospel Music Association's recent Dove Awards*, and it says that Song of the Year went to "Give Me Your Eyes".


No, you cannot have my eyes. I AM USING THEM.


*what can I say? It's a slow day at work.

How many, how many, I wonder ...........

Seven hundred eighty.

If I had not stopped smoking on April 3, that's (approximately)how many cigarettes I would have smoked between then and now.

Yep, I was a pack-and-a-half a day gal. For damn close to thirty years. Shame, isn't it?

Cost savings so far? $139.10. In three and a half weeks, I've saved almost a hundred and forty bucks by not smoking.

The truth? It's hard. It's really, really, hard, STILL, and I have tears in my eyes a lot of the time. But all I can do is keep plugging away. I'm still clean. All I have to do is stay that way.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Chews Shoes

One (or possibly both) of the cats is destroying my shoes.

I've got one of those shoe-rack thingies in the bedroom, and the cat(s) are chewing the shit out of the toes of the shoes on the bottom rack. Well, except for the moccasins, which is kind of odd, because the moccasins are probably the only shoes on the entire rack that are made of something even vaguely resembling leather. (Yes, I own a pair of moccasins. SHUT UP.)

I've heard of puppies chewing shoes, but cats? I mean, they're almost a year old now, so it's not like they're teething.

A few nights ago, I woke to Little Girl trying to pry my mouthpiece out of my hand. Evidently I had taken it out in my sleep and was holding on to it in a desperate bid to keep it away from the cats; LG was methodically trying to pry my hand open with her paw. The Runt is the worst mouthpiece offender; he chewed one of my old ones to pieces.

I've got a fairy tiara thing hanging off a lamp in my living room, and the other night I caught The Runt chewing on the beads. I mean hard-core, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP chewing on the beads.

Maybe I should just buy them some chewing gum and be done with it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bye-bye, orange platy

The last Orange Platy kicked the bucket this morning. I said good-bye, and I gave her a proper flusha-funeral.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of "over" the whole fish tank thing - cleaning it does not rank high on my list of fun things to do. Now I have to decide whether to get another companion for Tattoo Molly, or just wait for Molly to kick it, and then stow the tank.

Decisions, decisions.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Evidently, not smoking has turned me into a raging bitch

Watch out, fellow tenants. The next one to turn that f*cking light off when I want it on is gonna get shanked.

You do not EVEN want to mess with me while I'm quitting smoking.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How to receive acknowledgment

Yesterday morning I sent my boss an email, the sole content of which was a link to the Wikipedia entry for Administrative Professionals Day.


A card, some cash, and a beautiful blue iris to plant in my garden.

Hell, whatever works.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Oh, this is just ALL KINDS of unfair

The New York Jets are going to be holding their summer training camp at SUNY Cortland this year. And the Great State of New York, led by the illustrious Governor Paterson, is contributing $410,000.00 in grants from a "discretionary fund" to upgrade facilities and help SUNY defer the costs of hosting the team.

The last I knew, the NFL was not a charity. I'm pretty sure the Jets can pay their own way. ALSO the last I knew, this state was in dire financial difficulties. Taxes are increasing, state jobs are going unfilled, and the STAR rebate program, which helped homeowners pay their school taxes, was cut entirely.

And yet the f*cking New York Jets are getting $410,000.00 for a training camp?!

I shoulda been a football player.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Oops! I crapped my pants!

Not really, but it sure looked like I did.

I went to the local nature preserve yesterday, planning on taking a nice, long walk. When I got there, I decided to check out the creek that runs through an adjacent town park before I hit the preserve. I checked out the creek, decided to cross the creek to access a trail on the other side, started stepping on stones in the creek to get across, and .........

God. dammit. Those were some slippery stones.

So now I'm in the creek, one boot full of water, and my butt firmly emplanted in the muddy clay bank. At some point I realized that I wasn't getting any drier sitting in the water, and managed to haul myself out. Now I have a choice to make. I can drive back home, change clothes, and drive back, losing valuable walking time, or I can say screw it and do the walk anyway, knowing that anybody who gets a rear view is going to think I pooped my pants.

I decided to walk anyway and chose some lesser-traveled trails, hoping to come across fewer people that way.

Ha! Everybody and their mother was at the preserve yesterday, including ......... wait for it ........ twenty-nine members of the local hiking club. Wheeee!

In the end (*heh*), I think only three people actually got a look at the damage, and I had a nice long philosophical conversation with myself about self-image. ("Who cares what other people think?" "But they think I pooped my pants!")

Next time, I think I'll just go home and change.

Friday, April 17, 2009

And THIS is why I can't afford a house ....

..... I bought this purse at the thrift store because I felt sorry for the animals on it.

I mean, seriously, the elephant looks like he's doing okay, except for the whole bullseye-eye thing, but those are some sad-looking ....... lions? jaguars? I'm not sure.

It's a tiny little purse, so as I looked at it in the thrift store, I thought, well, it's okay, some little girl will buy it and the ...... tigers? leopards?........ will go live with her and be happy, and then I'm all, NO, the little girl will play with the purse for a few days and then it'll end up under the bed or in a mud puddle and the ......... leopards? jaguars? ....... will be all sad again and OH MY GOD I have to give these animals a home and I'll hang it by a window so the ........ lions? tigers? ....... can look out the window and in the summer I'll put it out on the porch in the breeze and .......

It cost a buck-fifty. There went my house.


I looked at a house yesterday that I loved. LOVED. And I can't afford it.

I mean, technically I could afford it, and my finance guy is telling me I could afford it, but, realistically? I can't afford it.

I walked through this house, thinking, I love this house, I love this house, I LOVE this house, and then I got back to the office, emailed the numbers to my finance guy, he emailed me back a number, and ......... crap.

And I tell myself, "it's okay, nothing's changed, it's just one house, blah blah blah, shake it off", and I swear, I'm starting feel like stinkin' Job here or something, and then I had to take The Runt back to the vet last night and he still has the ear infection which means new meds and more money and ........

whoops. I'll stop now. Sorry about that.

On the bright side, my hyacinths and daffodils are blooming. The neighbor's forsythia is getting ready to pop. And it is Friday, so there's that. Whoopee!

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Anybody else get one of these? -

"Dear Account User, This Email is from Yahoo Customer Care and we are sending it to every Yahoo Email User Accounts Owner for safetyWe are having congestions due to the anonymous registration of Yahoo accounts so we are shutting down some Yahoo accounts and your account was among those to be deleted.We are sending you this email to so that you can verify and let us know if you still want to use this account.If you are still interested please confirm your account by filling the space below.Your User name,password,secret question,secret answer,date of birth and your country information would be needed to verify your account. Due to the congestion in all Yahoo users and removal of all unused Accounts, Yahoo will be shutting down all unused Accounts, You will have to confirm your E-mail by filling out your Login Information below after clicking the reply button, or your account will be suspended within 24 hours for security reasons. * YOUR NAME: *USER NAME:*E-MAIL ID: *PASSWORD: *VERIFY PASSWORD: *SECRET QUESTION:*SECRET ANSWER:*ALTERNATE EMAIL ADDRESS: *DATE OF BIRTH: *COUNTRY/TERRITORY: Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his/her account after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently. We apologize. Yahoo Account Service Team Admin.... "

Oh, COME ON. Put some EFFORT into it, spammers.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

American Idol

So, last night's guest mentor was .......... Quentin Tarantino? WTF?

Oh, well, after all, he did have that hugely successful singing career ........

Seriously, WTF?

I mean, okay, it's movie night, but ....... I thought the mentors were supposed to give the contestants SINGING tips ......

I mean, Quentin tried, which was actually pretty hilarious. So, props for the extra added entertainment value.

(More) thoughts on (not) smoking

I guess I'm doin it rong, because it's a week and a half in, and it's not really getting any easier. I'm surprised at how persistent this little addiction is. It's pissing me off that I can't just get over this already, and it makes me feel weak, and then I get angry. Arrrrgggghhh!

The one thing I really miss is having an ashtray around in which to deposit the crud I pick off the carpet. Oh, sweet Jeebus, I can't believe I just told you guys that, but you know what I'm talking about here, right? You're sitting there watching TV or whatever, and you look down and notice a little bit of fuzz or something on the carpet. I used to pick those up and put 'em in the ashtray, but now I have to cart them all. the. way. to the garbage can under the kitchen sink, which seems like waaaay too much trouble for a little piece of fuzz, and honestly? Sometimes the fuzz ends up in my pocket. Of course, god forbid I actually RUN THE VACUUM. (For one piece of fuzz? Seriously? Naaaahh.)

I don't think my boss wants me to quit. Twice now he's left a cigarette on my desk (which he NEVER did when I was smoking), and the other day, I had to go to the bank, and he asked me to stop at the smoke shop and pick him up a couple of packs. (To their credit, my co-workers actually burst out laughing when he had the nerve to pull that little gem.)

Since I quit, there are approximately 360 cigarettes out there right now that I would have smoked, but I haven't.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fool me once, shame on you

So! I watched the Eiffel Tower show the other night. And it was just an elaborate April Fool's joke, obv. I mean, they treated the subject dead seriously, but I was laughing my ass off throughout because it was just so reeedeeeeculous. These poor gals were building scale models of their objects of lust, and when two of them went to NYC and got overwhelmed by the sheer number of skyscrapers, well, ..............

It WAS a joke, right?

But then again, at the end of the show, they showed a teaser for an upcoming program, "My Car Is My Lover." Oh ...........

Monday, April 13, 2009

Oh, Hell, No

There was a memorial service here last Friday for the victims of April 3's massacre. Prayers were said, and tulips were planted at a local park in memory of the victims.

14 tulips.

There's only one problem. 14 people died on April 3, but only 13 were victims. The 14th was the gunman.

I'm sorry, Mr. Rat Bastard Cowardly Gunman, but you don't get a tulip, you fucker.

Local clergy are defending the 14 tulips. "We believe in forgiveness", said the Rev. Willfred Guillaume. "He's a victim, too."

No. No, he's not.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Human Kindness

When I got home from work last night, there was a package at my door. I hadn't ordered anything recently and I wasn't sure what it could be. When I picked it up, I saw that the return address was Danger's.

She had read about my grim week and took the time out of her own busy life (congrats on the new job!) to send me a care package.

Cookies, rockin' coffee cake and crayons! Along with a beautiful note.

And you know what? I broke down and cried. And then I smiled. And then I laughed. And then I ate some cookies and cake.

Thanks, Danger. You're what it's all about.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

BBC America, I Love You

I never watched much BBC America, except for an occasional Ab Fab episode back in the day. But against my better instincts, last night I watched a couple more episodes of How Clean is Your House (this one lady was quite proud of the fact that she hadn't cleaned her house for fourteen years), during which they were showing a teaser for a show called "Married to the Eiffel Tower."


Now, the show about the people who treat their baby dolls as real was odd enough. But according to my TV guide, the Eiffel Tower show is about something called "objectum sexual." (Am I about to google that? Ohhhhh, you betcha .............. WAIT! Here we go! Want a taste? Direct from Wikipedia: "The term was coined in the 1970s by a woman named Eija-Riitta Eklöf Berliner-Mauer from Liden, Sweden, who was married to the Berlin Wall." Holy. Shit.)

Anyway, my favorite part of the ad is when they show someone saying, "She'll never know what it's like to love a human being." *cough*

Oh, it is SO ON. 9 p.m. tonight. I'm SO there.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Oh No

Maddie Spohr has passed away.


I have cats who can make their own damn dinner ......

....... and do the dishes afterward!


(and no, they are NOT allowed on the countertops. You can see how well that's working out ....)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Some thoughts on (not) smoking

Bear with me here, folks. It's been a tough few days.

Even though I prepared myself for this, even though I read and read and read about what would be happening, I was not prepared for how ....... fragile ...... I would feel.

I suppose it doesn't help that I chose as my "quit day" possibly one of the worst days ever to try to quit smoking, but then again, any day would have been a tough day.

I was surprised at how little actual physical "withdrawal" there was, and absolutely amazed at how strong a hold psychologically the addiction has on me. I think about smoking every. single. second I am awake. I counter those feelings by reciting (in my head) the facts, but still, it's exhausting. I just want to think about something else for a while.

The book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr is the only reason I've made it this far. No, it's not "easy", but it is "do-able" (I hope), and I really recommend this book if you're trying to quit.

Fragile. That's how I feel.

Monday, April 06, 2009

... it's the one little detail .....

....... the one little thing that reduces me to tears every time I think about it .....

......before he drove to the Civic Association, before he blocked the rear exit door with his car, before he walked around to the front, walked inside, and started shooting ........

........that rat fucking bastard put on a bullet-proof vest.

I don't know what to say

Parveen Ali, 26
Almir Alves, 43
Marc Henry Bernard, 44
Maria Sonia Bernard, 46
Li Guo, 47
Lan Ho, 39
Layla Khalil, 57
Roberta King, 72
Jiang Ling, 22
Hong Xiu Mao (Marsland), 35
Dolores Yigal, 53
Hai Hong Zhong, 54
Maria Zobniw, 60

Friday, April 03, 2009

In My Little Town......

Right now, there is a hostage situation.

A gunman stormed the local offices of the American Civic Association (approx. two miles from where I am), shot four people, and took twenty others hostage. Another fifteen people in the building are hiding in a storage closet, using their cell phones to talk to the police.

Looks like I picked a hell of a day to quit smoking.

Updated to add: Now the story's gone national:

Twice the cat he used to be

Now I'm really confused. A while ago, I had weighed The Runt at home and got a weight of 10.4 lbs. Two weeks ago, when I took him to the vet, they said he weighed 6.3 lbs (which I sincerely doubted, since he felt like he had more heft than that when I picked him up).

He had to go back to the vet's last night, and this time, they got a weight of 9.7 lbs. Whaaa? I had assumed it was my scale that was off, but now I'm pretty sure that it was the vet's.

Oh, and he's still got the damn ear infection.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Recently Read

Ah yes, time for another one of those posts that drives everyone away screaming in terror. Standard disclaimer: Feel free to skip.

1. True North by Elliott Merrick. Originally published in 1933, this is memoir about a man and his wife traveling with trappers into the Canadian wilderness in 1930. If you like outdoor yarns, you'll like this book. Very interesting.

2. Liberty by Garrison Keiller. If you're looking for another "Lake Wobegon" book, skip about this first half of this one - the beginning is mostly about the thoughts of a 60-year-old man lusting after a sweet young thing. The second half is pure "Lake Wobegon" and pretty good. I must admit I have mixed feelings about Garrison Keiller after finding out that he's apparently pretty much an asshole in real life.

3. True to Form by Elizabeth Berg. I read a lot of these - "coming-of-age" novels - I guess because I like to read about how other people (even fictional characters) handled adolescence. Anyway, this one's very good.

4. The Spirit of Sweetgrass by Nicole Seitz. Novel about a Southern Gullah basket weaver - it starts off good, but goes off the rails about halfway through. Okay.

5. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski - I posted about this elsewhere - highly recommended. Brilliant.

6. By the Shore by Galaxy Craze. Novel about a girl who lives in a bed & breakfast in England. Meh. ("Galaxy Craze"? Really?!)

7. Weedy Rough by Douglas Jones. Novel about a small town during the Depression - good.

8. Island of Lost Girls by Jennifer McMahon. Missing-child mystery with a ton of twists and turns - interesting.

9. The Things We Do For Love by Kristin Hannah. Novel about a new-divorced woman who helps out a high school girl in "trouble" - good.

10. My Own Country by Abraham Verghese. Memoir by an infectious-diseases specialist in rural Tennessee when AIDS was first appearing in the 1980s - interesting.

11. Leaving Dirty Jersey by James Salant - A junkie's memoir - good.

You know, I just realized something. I have a little reading list in the kitchen, and as I finish each book I put down a brief synopsis on the list, and then when I've got a page or two, I enter it here. The main reason I do this is so that if I see a book I'm interested in reading, I can search for it here and find out if I've already read it. That's right, folks, it's not uncommon for me to get twenty or thirty pages into a book and discover that I've read it before. Does everybody do that, or is it just me?

And to be perfectly honest with you, looking at that list above, I don't remember the details (main characters, etc.) of some of those books, even though I've read them all within the last month or so. Spooky.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Great Moments in Sports

I was watching the World Figure Skating Championships last weekend (I know! I KNOW!). I don't really follow this stuff (honest), but one performance blew me away.

Evan Lysacek (U.S.) was skating a beautiful, clean performance, landing every jump, on his way to the gold medal. And as he got to his final sit-spin, he starting beating his fists into the air (during the spin), as if to say, "Holy f*cking f*ck!!! I did it!! I WON!!!!!!

It was great. I watched it over and over. This dude just skated the performance of a lifetime, and he knew it, and he was thrilled. It was kind of amazing, actually.

These listing agents, they're so funneeeeeee!

"Minor kitchen fire" equals THIS: