"Until this moment I had believed forgiveness to be a special virtue, a beneficence God expected of good people. But it wasn't that at all. Forgiveness was an instinct, a desperate impulse to stay connected to the people you needed, no matter what their betrayals." - From "My Only Story" by Monica Wood
Last night I dreamed I was beating the shit out of my ex-boyfriend. I mean, just pounding the crap out of him. And I woke up and wondered why I was still so angry with him. I mean, yes, he was a complete and total shitheel and deserves to die a long and painful death (bitter? not me!), but I left him over 15 years ago. Why can't I just let it go?
And then I remembered reading something about forgiveness earlier in the evening, and I had to get up and get the book and find the passage (above), which basically (if I am reading it correctly) says that people forgive other people because they need to, for their own reasons, and not because it is a virtuous thing to do. Which made me feel better, because I am not real strong on the whole forgiveness thing.
There is a Pretenders song, "I'll Stand by You", which was recently re-recorded by Carrie Underwood. I think it was Carrie Underwood. Don't quote me on that. ANYway, one line of the song goes, "Nothing you confess could make me love you less".
WHAT???! Honey, I can think of ten things right off the top of my head that someone could say to me that would not only make me love them less, but would have me running for the shotgun.
I mean, really!
Is that what is meant by "unconditional love"? That you love someone no matter what? Because I think that's a crock of shit. I could go on and on here, but my point (and I do have one! I think!) is that I evidently have a pretty major unresolved anger issue floating around in my life, and maybe it's time I tried to deal with it. I don't know how, but maybe thinking about it and writing about it is the first step.
I started this blog as a lark, just a fun thing to do. And now I find out I'm actually learning from it, dammit! Who'd a thunk it?