OK, so I went to Walmart yesterday afternoon after putting a coat of semi-gloss on top of the Primer Paint of Death. BTW, do not use cheap disposable paint rollers - I used them for the Primer Paint of Death, and when I was putting on the semi-gloss yesterday, I noticed all these little teeny bits of roller stuck to the wall like bugs on a windshield. Time to break out the sandpaper!
So anyway, I went to Walmart. On a Sunday afternoon. Big mistake. Because, apparently, every yahoo in the free world goes to Walmart on Sunday afternoon. I do not enjoy shopping at Walmart when the store is not busy (say, Tuesday at 3 a.m.), and I certainly will not be going back on Sunday afternoon anytime soon.
It starts with the parking lot, with people cutting across the parking lot every which way - just like bumper cars! Except my bumper car cost over $11,000.00 used! So please don't hit me! I actually once saw two people, in two different cars, go all demolition derby over a handicapped parking space at Walmart.
Next you have to watch out for the thugs in the parking lot. I know, this sounds ridiculous! Why aren't they hanging out downtown or something! Instead, the parking lot at Walmart has become gang-banger city. I don't know why - given the amount of traffic in the parking lot, any crime would have at least 15 witnesses. Maybe they just enjoy the Walmart parking lot ambiance. Somehow guys with do-rags and hanging-down jeans and big parkas just look funny at Walmart. Out of their environment, like penguins at the symphony or something.
OK, now we're in the store. And those people? Driving the bumper cars? They are also now in the store, steering their shopping carts the exact same way. Cutting across aisles, careening around corners, like those old TV shows where you could win as many groceries as you could stuff into your cart in thirty seconds. And my favorite maneuver? The middle-of-the-aisle dead stop. Because why pull your cart over to the edge of the aisle so people could get by, when you can park right in the middle? And then peruse (shampoo, dust mop, whatever) while standing between your cart and one side of the aisle, thus ensuring that absolutely no one can get past. And if someone says, "excuse me", make sure to shoot them a dirty look before moving your cart approximately 1", so that, theoretically, people could get by, if they have an advanced degree in physics and can properly figure out the warps in the space-time continuum they will need to negotiate to fit their cart past yours.
So there I was in Walmart, trying not to Lose My Shit, because I know someone (my niece) who knows someone (her friend) who got punched out at Walmart for commenting on another shopper. For real! But I could feel myself getting tenser by the minute, so I grabbed what I needed and got out of there. And guess what? I saw some really cute sneakers? With ribbons? That would be totally cool this summer? And they were $8.97? And I was too cheap to buy them! Because I already have nine million pairs of sandals, sneakers, etc. What does it say about me that I am too cheap to buy Walmart sneakers?
OK, so I'm not going back to Walmart on Sunday afternoon anytime soon. The yahoos can have it. And, I totally forgot to mention the screaming children! Two per cart!
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