Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Oh great. Now I'm never going to sleep again.

I briefly considered going to see The Babadook this past weekend, but decided that given my aversion to all things scary, it would probably be a bad idea.  And then I ended up spending all weekend tie-dying the ceilings anyway.

Which is good, because I ended up scaring myself badly doing laundry* on Saturday, so if I had also gone to see The Babadook, it probably would have pushed me right over the edge.

But then, I was paging through the Sunday paper coupon section, and I came across an ad for ... this:

What. the. actual. F*CK.

It's a monkey doll.  A MONKEY DOLL.

*stifles a scream*

I couldn't help myself.  I had to google this company.  Surely this was a joke, right?  Surely people aren't actually buying ... infant monkey dolls?

*runs into the bedroom and hides under the bed*

I ... really?  Is this really a ... THING?

The company website had FIVE PAGES of monkey dolls.  FIFTY-ONE ENTRIES.

I am hoping that by putting these monstrosities up here, it will act as a kind of aversion therapy, inuring me to the horror that is monkey dolls.  That is my fondest hope at this point - that once having seen monkey dolls, I am now immune to the horror.

Hold me.

*I washed a sports bra in the with rest of the laundry, and somewhere between the bed (where I sort laundry) and the drawer where I keep my bras, it ... disappeared.  Just ... gone.  A GHOST STOLE MY BRA.


~~Silk said...

Nugget LOVES monkeys. If those things didn't cost so much I'd consider getting her one. (I'd have to get her a yellow hat, too.)

Actually, I find the "real baby" dolls scarier. Adult people buy them, and take them out in a stroller. Now, THAT's scary.

The lost bra - More than once I'd been walking down the hall at work and had a pair of "lost" underpants slowly sneaking out the leg of my pants and trailing on the floor. Worse than TP trailing from my shoe.

James P. said...

Silk's "lost underpants" have a Cringe Factor rating too high to mention.

About the sports bra, are you triple-sure it isn't wrapped around the base of the whaddayacallit, spinning mechanism, inside the washer?

James P. said...


Ya know, my grown daughter hates monkeys. She has found that it does not pay to let friends and coworkers know this, as it had led to endless fun on their part....themed greeting cards, practical jokes, etc. I feel that it is like hating your (almost) cousins....just because they are a little unpredictable and have a tendency to throw handfuls of crap.

rockygrace said...

~~Silk, I can ALMOST understand the "real baby" thing. ALMOST. Someone can't have a baby, or their babies are all grown up, so they get a fake baby to dress up in pretty clothes. Odd, but probably not clinically-insane-odd, if it makes them happy (and they understand that the doll is not real, obvs). (But I draw the line at taking it out in a stroller - THAT is scary-odd.) BUT WHO WANTS A FAKE MONKEY? "Oh hai here is my fake baby-monkey!" NO.

and the worst thing I've ever had fall out of my pants at work is a dryer sheet, although I HAVE been known to do the skirt-tucked-into-underwear faux pas. Hell, leave 'em laughing, I say. I actually think the underwear-falling-out-of-pants thing is kind of awesome. Like a Walk of Shame, at work. If my missing bra somehow happens to wiggle its way onto the floor at work, I will laugh my butt off. Hell, I'll take a picture and put it up on the bulletin board. Employee Article of Clothing of the Month.

and Ginny, I am POSITIVE the bra made it to the bed. It was in the pile with my workout clothes (one t-shirt/one pair shorts/one red-and-white-striped sports bra DAMMIT). I just don't know where it went from there. And all kidding aside, there had better NOT be a freakin' ghost in my damn house, because I HAVE HAD IT WITH GHOSTS. SHEESH.

and I was actually always kind of neutral on the monkey thing (well, except for the orangutan in that Clint Eastwood movie because that was just ... ick) until that one monkey tore that poor lady's face off, and I learned that it is not uncommon for monkeys to RIP BODY PARTS OFF PEOPLE. F*ck you, monkeys.

oh, and I have a friend who does not like frogs, and people think it is HILARIOUS to send her frog stuff. Those people are a**holes, says me.