My Living Will
By Wendy Walter
1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.
2. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.
3. Do not resuscitate me before noon.
4. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.
5. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.
6. Go ahead, run up as many charges on my MasterCard as you possibly can before the company gets wise to the fact that I’m dead.
7. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played in the movie version by Hilary Swank, so she can get another Oscar.
8. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled by a coin toss (best two out of three).
9. If my doctor pronounces me brain dead, I would like to see the latest Ashton Kutcher movie.
10. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled “Tuesdays with Wendy”:
i. Treasure every moment.
ii. Love everyone.
iii. If you bought this book in hardcover, you’re an idiot.
11. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a “Popcorn” setting.
12. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear you talking about my last disastrous haircut/trashy outfit/gaudy costume jewelry.
13. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.
Disclosure – This was adapted and altered from an article in the New Yorker magazine by Paul Rudnick.