My Living Will

My Living Will
By Wendy Walter

1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.

2. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.

3. Do not resuscitate me before noon.

4. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.

5. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.

6. Go ahead, run up as many charges on my MasterCard as you possibly can before the company gets wise to the fact that I’m dead.

7. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played in the movie version by Hilary Swank, so she can get another Oscar.

8. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled by a coin toss (best two out of three).

9. If my doctor pronounces me brain dead, I would like to see the latest Ashton Kutcher movie.

10. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled “Tuesdays with Wendy”:
i. Treasure every moment.
ii. Love everyone.
iii. If you bought this book in hardcover, you’re an idiot.

11. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a “Popcorn” setting.

12. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear you talking about my last disastrous haircut/trashy outfit/gaudy costume jewelry.

13. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.


Disclosure – This was adapted and altered from an article in the New Yorker magazine by Paul Rudnick.

Bald Eagle

I was driving down the Parkway after work last night when I looked up and saw a bald eagle circling over the river. Very Cool! Eagles have been making a comeback here in upstate New York. There have been nesting pairs at the Montezuma Wildlife Refuge for several years, there are several pairs in the Walton/Hancock area, and there is even a nesting pair on Hiawatha Island in Apalachin. I saw one in Owego a couple of years ago (circling over the P & C Grocery Store parking lot, how romantic). But this is my first eagle sighting in Vestal. I wonder, with so much rural acreage around, why one would be hanging out so close to downtown Binghamton? But maybe they don't care about the buildings, maybe they just go where open water and fish are.

I Finally Finished Something

Yay! The living room is completely painted! I finished the last wall last night. It looks much better than it did before. Now I just have to paint the hallway, the bedroom and the kitchen. As if. I do plan to continue, but seeing as how it took me two months to do the living room, I could very well be living elsewhere before I finish up this particular project.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

It was 3 degrees on my back porch when I got up this morning, and it's not supposed to get much warmer all day. I know I shouldn't complain - it's been a very mild winter - but I will anyway. 3 degrees is hard to take. I keep thinking back to this book I read about this guy who went to Alaska alone, built a cabin (alone), and lived there for thirty years, alone. He kept a diary, and the weather would go down to minus 40 degrees and stay there for days on end. Now that's cold. And he had no electricity - just a wood stove.

So I guess I should take my 3 degrees and smile.

Rocky Freaks Out

I know that dogs don't like the sound of fireworks or thunderstorms, and almost any pet will react to the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Last night I was watching Little Miss Sunshine (again), and the part came where the dad honks the horn of the VW van and the horn just keeps honking on its own, one loud hhhhhooooonnnnnnkkkk for several minutes. Rocky, my cat, was sleeping on the couch, and as soon as that honk started, he fuh-reaked out. First, he woke up with a start and stared at the tv. As the honk continued, his ears pricked forward and his eyes got huge. Then, he slinked (slunk?) off the couch, still staring at the tv, and hightailed it into the kitchen, where he meowed at the door until I let him out.

Rocky hates the vacuum cleaner noise, and he is afraid of the noise of crumpling up a plastic shopping bag (I nave no idea why - it's not like I once crumpled up a plastic bag with him in it), but I have never seen him freak out to a car honk before. Do your pets have any weird noise phobias? Let me know!

Good Stuff

I watched a good movie over the weekend - Little Miss Sunshine. This movie has been hyped to the skies, so I figured it wouldn't be that good, but it was really enjoyable. And you will never hear "Super Freak" again without thinking of this movie.

I also read a good book - The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It's a memoir about growing up in absolute poverty with a drunk father and an out-there mother - but it is very entertaining and very good. Best book I've read in a long time.

Got the second coat of paint on the west wall - on to the east wall!

Young and the Restless

I know, I know - I watch Young and the Restless. I actually tape it, and then watch it at night. Here's my question: Why doesn't Paul just shoot Shiela? Everybody thinks she's dead anyway, and she is evil incarnate, so why doesn't he just kill her? How long does he think he can keep her in that bizarre cell anyway, especially since she has started stabbing herself in a bid to get out?

Just asking.

Aunt B. Rocks!

There is a blog, Tiny Cat Pants, of which I am very fond. A link to the blog appears under "Interesting People", at left. I made a comment on a post this morning and screwed it up. Aunt B. very generously helped me out. Thank you very much Aunt B.!

On Hold

I was on hold on the phone trying to get through to my health insurance company regarding a bill. After the computer voice asked me to punch in my I.D. number, it then asked for my birthdate, using the example, "If you were born on January 3, 2005, please enter 01032005". Somehow, I doubt that a person born in 2005 would be calling with a question about their account! Then, the "hold music" was Carly Simon singing "Anticipation" (Anticipation - it's making me wait). Classic!

Best Muzak moment ever? I was having a mole surgically removed at the dermatologist's office, and one of the songs that came over the piped-in music was "Mack the Knife". Ah ha ha ha.

American Idol

Yes, I admit it - I'm going to watch American Idol tonight, and I'm going to enjoy every cheesy minute. The old train wreck scenario - I can't not look. These audition shows are the ones I enjoy - I don't care much once they start winnowing down the "talent".

It always amazes me when somebody sings really poorly and is absolutely astounded when the judges don't like them. Is that for real, or are they just there to be on camera? Because it seems to me that someone, somewhere, would have told them at some point that they can't sing. Especially the ones with "vocal coaches"! Picture it:

Suzy, to her vocal coach: "Guess what, Mrs. Vocal Coach! I'm going to try out for American Idol!"

Vocal coach: "Ummmm ......"

Suzy: "That's a really good idea, right? I'm totally ready to be on American Idol!

Vocal coach: "Ummmm ..... maybe we better talk about this, Suzy."

Or do vocal coaches totally lie to their clients, telling the tone-deaf ones that they're really good, just so they'll keep paying their money every week?

And I'm always surprised that there aren't more good singers out there. I mean, every year, there's several real clunkers in the "top ten".

I love to sing, but I'm really bad at it, and I know it. So don't look for me on that show! Not to mention that I'm quite a ways past the age cut-off.

Oh yeah, what was that other reality show that was on? "America's Got Talent", or something like that. It should have been, "America Has No Talent". I've never seen such a bunch of horrible, horrible acts in my life! Too bad to be funny, even. Just sad.

Links

Holy cow! I actually managed to put some links on my site (see "Interesting People", at left). Please be advised that if you are on this link list and would prefer not to be, just let me know.

Now if I could just figure out why the name of my blog doesn't appear on search engines, I'd be all set.

Still Painting ......

I repainted the north wall of the living room yesterday, all because of one little spot. After putting the first coat on last weekend, there was one spot, about 6" x 6", that was lighter than the rest of the wall. So I moved all the furniture again yesterday, and did the wall over. That one spot is still a little lighter (as in, I am sure I am the only one who could ever even see it), but it looks a lot better. So next weekend will be coat two on the west wall, then it's on to the east wall! Then the bedroom, then the kitchen ........

The hardest part is moving the furniture. I bought some furniture sliders on e-bay, and they worked great on the TV dresser, but not so hot on the bookcase. That stupid bookcase got "tippy" once I got most of the books out - I'm lucky it didn't take out the TV when it started going over. And now I've got a very painful bruise on my thigh from where I tried to wedge under the bookcase to get the sliders on. But the wall looks much better!

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning, and here I am at the office, waiting for the boss to get his shit together so he can dictate a report to me.

I've been here for over an hour, drinking coffee, reading the paper, surfing the internet, while I wait for him.

Making time-and-a half.

Hell to the yeah!

Two Coats

I have come to the sad conclusion that my living room walls are going to need two coats of paint. Two walls already have one coat of paint, so this weekend I will try to get the second coat on. I don't mind the painting; it's moving all that furniture! So I went on line and bought "furniture sliders", which are supposed to make your furniture just glide across any surface. So then I was talking to Texas, who informed me that she had bought some of those sliders and they did not work. Sigh.

Swear Words

When I am exasperated, I am as likely to say "gosh" as I am to say "fuck". But I try to never drop the F-bomb in public, only when I'm alone. Because I work with a couple of guys who say "fuck" about as often as they say "the", and it drives me crazy. I was raised to believe that only uncouth, uneducated people swear, and I guess it has stuck with me for the most part. And I absolutely hate the word "ass" - so crude. It drives me crazy that they can say that on prime time TV now - I never had kids, but if I did have kids, I would not want them saying "ass" at the age of 4.

Tolerance

OK, so I was watching "Wife Swap" last night (hey, so at least I admit it). As usual, it was about two wildly different women switching places for a couple weeks. Last night, it was a freaky-deaky heavily-tattooed athiest white woman switching places with a deeply religious black woman. As usual, the point was that we should all be respectful of each other's beliefs.

Really?

Do I have to respect the beliefs of a terrorist who believes that it is morally right for him to kill people? If Hitler was around today, would I have to respect his Aryan supremacy beliefs? Aren't there some beliefs that do not deserve respect? And can I decide which beliefs I will respect and which I will not, or does someone else get to do that? And if I don't believe in someone else's belief, is it ok for me to say so, as loudly as I want, or not?

On another blog I was reading recently, there was a big to-do. Someone had posted a video to YouTube of an overweight woman dancing the samba. A friend of the overweight woman posted the video on her website, saying something along the lines of, "Look how well my friend can dance!" The very first commenter said something along the lines of, "another beached whale video", and the shit hit the fan, with everyone defending the fat woman and decrying the commenter.

OK. First, if you post a video to YouTube it is there for everyone in the world to see. And then if your friend puts the video on her site and has a section for comments, anyone can comment, unless the comments are restricted to registered users, or the site is limited to access by friends only, neither of which, I believe, is the case in this situation.

I am not saying that this guy should have made this comment. All I am saying is that when you post stuff that anyone can look at, shouldn't you be ready for the negative as well as the positive? If you don't want everyone to look at it, shouldn't you restrict access?

And I will say again that all comments, positive and negative, are welcome on this site.

Busy, Busy

Yesterday I took down the Christmas tree and most of the Christmas decorations. I leave the garland, wreaths, etc. out on the back deck because I have convinced myself that they are "seasonal" as opposed to "Christmas", and therefore it's o.k. to leave them up. Ha! So once the tree was out, I painted the part of the north wall that was behind where the tree was, before I moved the furniture back into place. And then I looked at the rest of that wall, which I was going to do next weekend, and thought, "I might as well do the whole thing while I'm at it", so I did, which entailed moving a bookcase stuffed with books, etc.

I kinda miss the old me, who would sleep until 10:30 and then go wander around the mall for a couple of hours when the weather was bad.

Coffee Cups

There is a new guy at work. Each day, he takes one of the office coffee cups, has a coffee, and leaves his dirty cup in the sink. He's been here four days. There are four dirty coffee cups in the sink. Who does he think is going to take care of them? The mythological dishwasher? The coffee cup fairy?

God, I get sick of this type of thing.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

At first glance, it looks like out-of-focus trees. But it's actually a reflection of trees on water.

My Dad

My mom and I were talking the other day about how my dad always used hankerchiefs, and how gross the used ones were. I also remember one time when I was little and we were staying on the boat, and for whatever reason (I guess we had company or something), I had to sleep in the bunk dad usually slept in. I went to go to bed and there was a dried snot on the pillow. Horrified, I called for my mom. She took a look and said, "Oh, that's just a piece of dried seaweed". I remember looking at her incredulously, like, "you really want me to buy that?"

My dad hated to take showers; he liked baths, and not too frequently if you please. Up at the cottage, there was only a shower stall, no tub, and every few weeks (!) my mom would start bugging him to get clean. My dad's business partner, Jim, stayed in an apartment over the marina store, and there was a tub in the apartment. So dad would gather his gear and reluctantly go take a bath at Jim's.

I don't remember my dad ever getting really stinky; just kind of aromatic of cigarette smoke and sweat. My mom swears that his jeans could stand up by themselves sometimes; he didn't like to change clothes very often. He was never really dirty dirty; I guess he just didn't like water. I miss him.