From Annie's Mailbox, an online advice column:
Dear Annie: I wish my neighbors would try to put themselves in my
place. I live in a nice suburban neighborhood near a beachside
community. The last thing I would want to do is bother my neighbors with
noise or activities that would require them to put on headphones.
here is what I have had to contend with in the past few years:
skateboarding in front of my house and into my driveway; playing
basketball past 10 p.m.; security lights shining into my window; dogs
barking for hours; and loud parties for young children that go on past
I would be mortified if I did anything that would make
my neighbors think I was so inconsiderate. I chose a nonbarking breed
of dog, and my two children never imposed on others' space while still
managing to have fun.
Noises are expected from gardeners, roofers
and construction workers, but these are temporary. If anyone reads this
and sees themselves, please remember that unless you live on a deserted
island, being a good neighbor means respecting others, too. -- Peaceful
Dear Peaceful: You sound especially considerate, and
unfortunately, a great many people are not. Too many folks think only of
themselves without paying the slightest attention to behavior that may
be extremely annoying to the neighbors. We hope everyone who reads this
will take a moment and consider whether they could be a little more
thoughtful and kind to those around them.
Me: I ... I don't even know what to say about this lady, except ... are you f*cking kidding me?
Let's see: You're not supposed to skateboard in front of her house. I assume that walking dogs, bike-riding, and driving a car past her house is also forbidden. Because it might bother her ... somehow. Just shut down the damn street already, the crazy lady needs her peace and quiet.
No playing basketball in the neighborhood after 10 p.m. I assume that would also involve all outdoor activities, because they might bother her ... somehow. EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND GET TO BED BY 10 P.M.!
You can't have any security lights. SCREW security; and do not even ASK her to close her curtains; everybody needs to live in the dark because the lights might bother her ... somehow. I would assume this also includes streetlights; who CARES if this means more car accidents? THIS LADY WANTS TO SIT IN THE DARK, YOU GUYZZZ.
Dogs barking for hours? Okay, I'm on her side on this one. Except I've got a funny feeling that for this lady, ONE BARK = barking for hours.
NO LOUD CHILDREN'S PARTIES PAST DINNERTIME.
That last one just slays me. She's not talking about a neighbor cranking Kanye at 2 a.m.; she wants Bobo the Clown to STFU already, because it's 6:05.
You know what? I'm enough of a dickwit that if this broad moved in next to me, I'd be doing sh*t just to piss her off. BECAUSE YOUR COMPLAINTS ARE NOT REASONABLE, CRAZY LADY.
I can't believe that Annie didn't tell her to get off at the next stop, but I WILL.
DEAR LADY: IT'S CALLED LIFE. PEOPLE LIVE IT. GET ONE.