Friday, October 23, 2015

Oh, the pearl-clutching!

From Annie's Mailbox, an online advice column:

Dear Annie: I wish my neighbors would try to put themselves in my place. I live in a nice suburban neighborhood near a beachside community. The last thing I would want to do is bother my neighbors with noise or activities that would require them to put on headphones.
Yet, here is what I have had to contend with in the past few years: skateboarding in front of my house and into my driveway; playing basketball past 10 p.m.; security lights shining into my window; dogs barking for hours; and loud parties for young children that go on past dinnertime.
I would be mortified if I did anything that would make my neighbors think I was so inconsiderate. I chose a nonbarking breed of dog, and my two children never imposed on others' space while still managing to have fun.
Noises are expected from gardeners, roofers and construction workers, but these are temporary. If anyone reads this and sees themselves, please remember that unless you live on a deserted island, being a good neighbor means respecting others, too. -- Peaceful Neighbor

Dear Peaceful: You sound especially considerate, and unfortunately, a great many people are not. Too many folks think only of themselves without paying the slightest attention to behavior that may be extremely annoying to the neighbors. We hope everyone who reads this will take a moment and consider whether they could be a little more thoughtful and kind to those around them.

Me:  I ... I don't even know what to say about this lady, except ... are you f*cking kidding me?

Let's see:  You're not supposed to skateboard in front of her house.  I assume that walking dogs, bike-riding, and driving a car past her house is also forbidden.  Because it might bother her ... somehow.  Just shut down the damn street already, the crazy lady needs her peace and quiet.

No playing basketball in the neighborhood after 10 p.m.  I assume that would also involve all outdoor activities, because they might bother her ... somehow.  EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND GET TO BED BY 10 P.M.!

You can't have any security lights.  SCREW security; and do not even ASK her to close her curtains; everybody needs to live in the dark because the lights might bother her ... somehow.  I would assume this also includes streetlights; who CARES if this means more car accidents?  THIS LADY WANTS TO SIT IN THE DARK, YOU GUYZZZ.

Dogs barking for hours?  Okay, I'm on her side on this one.  Except I've got a funny feeling that for this lady, ONE BARK = barking for hours.


That last one just slays me.  She's not talking about a neighbor cranking Kanye at 2 a.m.; she wants Bobo the Clown to STFU already, because it's 6:05.

You know what?  I'm enough of a dickwit that if this broad moved in next to me, I'd be doing sh*t just to piss her off.  BECAUSE YOUR COMPLAINTS ARE NOT REASONABLE, CRAZY LADY.

I can't believe that Annie didn't tell her to get off at the next stop, but I WILL.




fmcgmccllc said...

I called the city on a neighbors security light. Even with the blinds closed it lit my family room up like the airport landing strip. City made them move it. They also made me paint my garage.

rockygrace said...

That must've been a hell of a floodlight, fmcetc.

I hope you painted your garage a fanTAStic color.

spiffikins said...

Ehhh, I'd be annoyed if the neighbourhood kids decided to play basketball in front of my house until 10pm at night - that is a really annoying noise. Same thing with the skateboarding - you're not talking about kids zooming past - it's a lot of slamming and crashing as they flip the board and jump and scrape along the ground.

I'm all for kids being active - but after a certain point in the evening, things should quiet down and let people enjoy a peaceful evening.

Based on this lady's laundry list, I do think she probably is overreacting - but there's a fine balance between people enjoying their neighbourhood by being noisy and others who want to enjoy peace and quiet and don't want continuous noise inflicted on them.

For example - wind chimes. Love the idea. HATE the reality of them.

rockygrace said...

Oh, man, I guess all my years of apartment living must have desensitized me to Things Neighbors Do, because after years and years and YEARS of listening to blaring music at all hours, screaming arguments, cars peeling in and out of parking lots, etc., etc., up to and INCLUDING a neighbor BREAKING INTO MY APARTMENT so he could dial phone sex lines USING MY PHONE, my whole attitude is, as long as you stay off *my* property, I don't care WHAT you do on *yours*. Ha.

I mean, sure, of course no cranked-up techno music at two a.m. on your patio speakers, but she didn't want the CHILDREN'S birthday parties to go past dinnertime? Spare me. I hope she's ready to get her house thoroughly egged and tp'ed this Halloween.

Becs said...

I have curtains on my bedroom windows and a neighbor has a spotlight over their garage that shines directly into my bedroom. I'm going to need curtains that completely block all light because I've learned my lesson about trying to interact with my neighbors (in short? DON'T). I'm also glad that there's only one little kid in the neighborhood. The rest have all grown up in the last 15 years. Next phase is grandkids, I suppose, but they don't stay more than a couple of hours.

rockygrace said...

What is with all these people aiming their security lights into other people's windows? That's just bizarre.

And I'm beginning to sense a marketing opportunity here: Silent Neighborhoods (the logo could be "Shhhh!"), where NO NOISE IS ALLOWED EVER and there're Volume Cops to enforce the rules.