Oh, f*ck off, Kim Komando

Every morning I listen to the radio while I'm getting ready for work.  And every morning, a brief blurb from the Kim Komando show comes on.  This morning, she was doing an ad for Simplisafe, a home security system.

It went something like this:

"Guys!", it starts.  "Do you worry about your wife or girlfriend when she's home alone?  You know how every little noise gets amplified when nobody else is home -do you want your wife or girlfriend to feel safe when you're not there?  Now, with Simplisafe, your wife or girlfriend can feel completely safe, even when you're not at home!"

WHERE do I even START. 

Okay, FIRST OFF, being startled by an unfamiliar noise is not a GIRL THING.  It is a UNIVERSAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE, built into our DNA to keep us ALIVE.

SECONDLY, I do not need a MAN to order a home f*cking security system for me.  If I WANT a home security system, I am PERFECTLY CAPABLE of purchasing one my ownself.  With my OWN MONEY.

THIRD, this ad is making assumptions about gender.  What if the guy has a GUY waiting at home?  What if the relationship consists of two women?  OH SH*T looks like those two gals are outta luck because there isn't a GUY in the picture to order their home security system!

FOURTHLY,  the only times I EVER felt UNsafe in a living situation was when there was a GUY in the ROOM at the time, threatening me.  I have never, ever felt unsafe because an unfamiliar CRICKET was chirping, but I have felt PLENTY unsafe (in the past) by a dude screaming in my FACE, and that is something no home security system could have protected me from.

FIFTH, if I want to plunk down some of MY money for a home security system which *I* am perfectly capable of purchasing, I'm thinking my choices would be (a) big dog (b) big gun (c) big can of mace (d) big old baseball bat, some of which I ALREADY frickin' HAVE.

GOD. 

Dear Kim Komando:  I am not a helpless little airhead, cowering at home alone because my man (gag) is gone and the smoke alarm beeped at random.  I am a KICK-ASS f*cking WOMAN who does NOT need someone of the opposite gender to *protect* me, and I would thank you very much to remember that.

CHRIST.