Tragedy at Bethlehem

With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound he pulls the speeding high tension wires down

Helpless people on subway trains scream bug-eyed as he looks in on them

He picks up a bus and he throws it back down as he wades through the buildings in the center of town

Oh, no .... they say he's got to go

GO GO GODZILLA! (whooa ohh ohh)



Oh, no ..... there goes Tokyo Bethlehem



GO GO GODZILLA!









Rock on, Godzillacat.

The year in review

Let's see ........



In April, I quit smoking after thirty years.



In July, I became a first-time homeowner.



Peeps, I can't go any bigger than that.



Happy New Year!

The most fun ever

Every year, on Christmas Eve, I give my Mom a Christmas stocking filled with stuff from the dollar store - Puzzles, pretty soaps, warm gloves, candy, etc. As usual, this year I ended up buying way more stuff than I needed for her stocking (the dollar store does that to me). And when I ended up with some stuff from the office gift exchange that I already had, I really had a surfeit of stocking stuffers.



So I Secret-Santa'd my neighbors.

Two of my neighbors are women who live alone and don't seem to get much company. I wrapped up all the extra stuff, put it in gift bags, donned a trench coat and a Santa hat, and on Christmas Eve I left the bags on their porches.



And I had SO MUCH FUN wrapping up all that stuff and deciding who got what and sneaking through the neighborhood (don't call 911! It's just me!) that I think I'll do it again next year. Maybe pick a few more neighbors.



Next to the owl hooting, that was the best part of my Christmas.

Wait a minute .....

.... I can't even take a tube of christing toothpaste on a flight, and some asshole already on a watch list manages to carry on enough sh*t to take down an entire plane?



And then we have Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, after this sh*t goes down, saying flying is "very, very safe"?



F*ck you, bitch. No it AIN'T.

and I can't get it out of my head

I saw a deer get hit by an SUV last night.

Actually, I would have hit the deer if I had been just a few seconds later. It was dark and I was on a busy two-lane road, going about 50, with cars behind me and cars going the other direction next to me when I saw the deer step out of the woods and onto the shoulder on my side of the road. I couldn't slam on the brakes because of the other traffic, so all I could do was pump the brakes and watch as the deer hesitated, then jumped into the road right in front of me.

I missed it, barely, but an SUV going the other direction nailed it. I heard an incredibly loud CRRRRRUUNNNNNCCCHHHHH and watched in my rearview as hooves flew in the air and the SUV lurched onto the shoulder. When I got home I checked the car, fully expecting the driver's side to be covered in blood, but it wasn't.

And I know I'll be thinking about this for a long time.

I remember several years ago, driving that same section of road, and watching a cop pull his service revolver and shoot a deer that had been injured in a car collision.

And there was that time I saw a cat ........ oh jeezus christ I still can't talk about that.

And I don't understand why I can't just put this stuff out of my mind and forget about it. I mean, I don't bring back good times in my mind in graphic detail; it's just the nasty stuff that sears itself onto my brain and lurches to the surface, unbidden, from time to time. I wonder why.

Well, at least THAT'S over with

Actually, I like everything about Christmas except the day itself, when I have to spend time with people I do not like. Bah. It helped to know that I don't have to see these folks again until Easter.

But! I got through the day without killing anybody or even making any snarky remarks. Well, there was that one incident with the monster truck show*, but that's between Ditzy and me.

My Christmas bonus came through, meaning that I spent yesterday morning at Home Depot buying new light fixtures for the bathroom. Woot!

My sister Texas was nice enough to gift me the new Stephen King book, which weighs approximately ten pounds and is over 1,000 pages long. I predict a March finish. Shit, I don't even think the Bible has that many pages.

By far the coolest part of the weekend came yesterday afternoon, when I was out in the woods and heard an owl calling. I've been spending a good chunk of my weekends in forests for years now, and that was the first time I've ever heard an owl call. Hoo hoo hooooooo hooo hooo. TOO COOL.

I hope everybody had a good Christmas, and nobody's in jail for murdering a relative or anything. Ho ho ho!






*Did you know that there's a TV channel devoted entirely to monster truck shows? Is true! And it doesn't even have, like, a voiceover or anything, it just shows monster trucks jumping over stuff again and again and again, with a heavy-metal soundtrack. It's EXTREMELY popular with my two-year-old nephew, whose favorite Christmas present was something called a "Gravedigger". Yeah.

All is calm, all is bright .....

Merry Christmas from our house to yours!

My Christmas gift to you

First off, to everyone who sent me a card, thank you very much! You're helping to make the new house a home.

Now, a blast from the past.

Scene from a wedding:





HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There's so much to say about this, where do I even start? How about:

Out of the five people in the photo, three of them have bad spiral perms. Hell, just because it was 1984, that's no excuse.

The cinderblock wall, with the electrical outlet hanging down. Talk about a no-budget wedding. Check out the lavish decoration: One measly paper-bell-thingie.

The maid of honor, who is apparently using her drink cup as a spitoon.

Paper plates and plastic silverware, peeps. At the wedding party's table. Jeezus Christ. Who organized this?

OhmyGAH that poufy-sleeved dress. *shudder*

The groom, who apparently thinks he is one of the landed gentry, instead of a pot-smoking, job-losing asshole.

Looking at this photo, you know I was doomed from the start. I think I realized it as soon as the reception was over, when instead of heading home to get busy (no money for a honeymoon, doncha know), the groom decided we should head over to the best man's PARENTS' house to get stoned. I shit you not. Thank god it only took me four-and-a-half years to make a break for it, and now I can look at these pics and laugh. Oh, and cringe. Lots of cringing involved as well.

So I hope you all are having a very merry Christmas, but if not, take another look at that photo and rest assured that things could be worse. Much worse.

Happy holidays!




Oh! Oh! Oh! The best part? The house I bought this past summer? I can now SEE that reception hall from my front yard. Whoa.

In which The Runt impersonates a refrigerator magnet

The magnet (the crawfish one on the right):

The Runt:

How do you like my old-lady sofa with the old-lady afghan artfully placed across the back? Bitchin', no?

We won't even talk about the f*cking Bills schedule on the fridge. Bah.

Oh, and while I'm talking about cats (jeezus anything as long as I don't have to talk about the Bills), The Runt and Little Girl aren't that fond of human food. They're not even that fond of tuna juice, which Rocky used to love. I've tried all different kinds of food with them, including broccoli and other weird shit that cat owners claim their cats adore. These guys? Not so much.

So I was really surprised when I set a cupcake on the table the other night, left the room for about thirty seconds, and came back to discover that The Runt had hoovered all the frosting off that sucker. I mean, seriously, I think he set a land speed record for getting the frosting off a cupcake.

A cat after my own heart.

This is why our taxes are so high

I was reading this thing on AOL today about this woman up in Boston who was pissed off because her son wouldn't put down his video game and go to bed.

So she called the cops.

She called the f*cking cops to come discipline her son.


You know, you need a license to get a dog, but any f*cktard can have a kid.

Check this out .......

I got a Christmas (and Hogmanay!) card from Scotland! How cool is that?

Obviously, Fish Food* and her husband have mad computer skillz - my poor cards look like a third-grader made them compared to this! (Click on the image to embiggen.)

Thanks, Fish*!




*I'm using her alias because after what happened on her blog earlier this year *cough*, I'd hate to start an international incident or something by mentioning her real name. :)

The Catholics have all the good stuff

I went to a couple of religious stores this weekend looking for images to use in some projects I've been thinking of.

I went to the local "Christian" store first, which was a total bust. It was all new-age-y and vague, with no actual images of Christ at all.

So I headed down the road to the Catholic store. Bingo! The first thing I saw when I walked through the door was a picture of Christ with his bleeding heart in his hands. Literally, he was holding his bleeding, possibly still beating heart in his hands.

Those Catholics have all the good stuff.

So I loaded up with prayer cards, little plastic Jesuses, and an illustration of a nun holding a crucifix with Christ on it.

Crazy Catholics!

And I felt a little guilty, because if the nice old lady running the store knew what I was going to use this stuff for*, she probably wouldn't have sold it to me.

That said, I'm definitely going back for more.




*Christ on a cracker. I KNOW.

..... and while I'm on the subject ...

...... of pop culture, what the f*ck is up, Survivor? You voted Shambo off? SHAMBO?

Dear Survivor-people: You need to get that little Machiavellian bastard Russell off the show RIGHT NOW. PRONTO.

I don't understand these people. They're wandering around the damn island bleating like flippin' SHEEP about how Russellllllll willl wiinnnnnn, bleattt bleattt bleattttt, when all they have to do is VOTE HIS ASS OFF.

Of course, the minute they vote him off, I'll stop watching, because then it won't be any FUN anymore, not being able to watch evil Russell manipulate his flock of freaking SHEEP, but still.

Save yourselves, Survivor-people.




Updated 12/21/09 to add: The finale was last night, and Russell lost to a woman with a Bumpit in her hair. *sigh*

Just plain wrong .....

The "Finding Nemo" ice skating spectacular is coming to our town, and the media have been flooded with ads for the show, the better to get the kiddies to beg their parents to take them.



And I have to wonder who thought up the costumes, because every time I see one of the ads, all I can think is, "what is it with the boob-eyes?"

Because, really:










Who wants to see a bunch of people skating around with eyes in their boobs? Not me. That's just creepy. It's, like, oh my God, what was that Stephen King short story where the astronaut grew an eye on the palm of his hand. Bleccch.

And how do you explain this to the kids? I'd like to be a fly on the wall for THAT conversation.

Well, I thought about the Army .....

So! Last night's Sing-Off!

First, let's backtrack to Tuesday's show. I am embarrassed to admit that when they did "Freedom 90", I knew every. single. word. And, the song got me thinking about the album it was on (yes, I said "album" - I am old) and the song "Praying for Time", which totally rules, and which I also sang, in its blessed entirety, during a commercial break.

I know the words to twenty-year-old George Michael songs! Aren't you glad you don't live with me?

Anyhoo, moving on to last night's show. That college group, the Beelzebubs, or however the hell you spell it? I've come to the conclusion that they're my faves because I have a totally inappropriate crush on the chunky, curly-haired dude. I don't know if I want to give him cookies and milk or f*ck the hell out of him, and that's just wrong.

But! "Baba O'Reilly"? Really?! Rock on, dudes!

I couldn't figure out why the lady judge was on the show, because none of her comments made any sense. Then I read the captions and discovered that she was a "Pussycat Doll", which ..... um ..... aren't they strippers? WHY IS SHE ON THE SHOW?

I'm getting a little tired of the beat-boxing. I mean, I know they need it to keep time, but still ..... and I just now thought about how much spit must be on the floor of that stage by the end of the night and ........ ew. Just ew.

Oh, and Voices of Lee did Man in the Mirror, which, Michael Jackson notwithstanding, is one of the best songs ever. I'm sorry, but that song is the shiz. Too bad Voices of Lee butchered it.

One last thing: Seeing as how BEN FOLDS is a judge, when, oh when is one of the groups going to whip out "Jesusland"? Come on, guys, there's only one night left! Man up! Or wait ..... "Army!" I wanna hear somebody sing about three sad semesters and Chick-fil-A!

My prediction? The Beezlebubs (or however the hell you spell it) for the win!

I didn't know what to do

Okay, so I was in line at the grocery store last night, and the woman ahead of me was unloading her groceries out of her cart. And she was doing it slowly, because one of her arms was crippled.

And I SO MUCH WANTED to ask if I could help, but I was afraid it would embarrass her, or insult her.

And I remembered back when my wrist was broken and my arm was in a splint, and I would have GLADLY accepted any help offered. But then I worried that maybe it was different when the disability was permanent, and maybe she'd be mortified if I tried to help. I didn't know what to do. So in the end, I did nothing, and this morning it is STILL bothering me.


So. As usual I am clueless here. Should I have asked if she needed/wanted help? Should I have just gone ahead and started unloading her groceries with her? What would you have done?

I need to know, in case it happens again.

What nerds can do

So! Last night was the first night of "The Sing-Off". Anybody besides me watch? ...... anybody?..... Bridgett?......

The opening number, "Under Pressure", really showed off what these groups can do. A cappella singing is difficult, and these guys made it look easy, letting their nerd flags fly, creating something beautiful with their voices.

And for you non-nerds, you have NO IDEA how much practice it takes to get to that level. The hours and hours and hours and hours of often mind-numbingly boring practice, practice, practice.

Cool kids would never try, but the nerds sure will.


A few notes from the show: I'm sure glad they aren't using props, because that would pretty much suck. I can't figure out if that Mormon girl always rocks the bleach-blonde fauxhawk, or if the producers told her to do it. Speaking of which, who the hell is picking those god-awful outfits? And I'm not sure what the barbershop gals are doing there - that rendition of "Dancing Queen" was pretty f*cking painful.

That said, will I keep watching?

Aw yeah.

O Christmas Tree

Remember last year, when I ended up with Stabby, the Homicidal Christmas Tree?


As it turned out, there was a tree shortage last year, supposedly due to some big ice storm. Which I'm not sure I believe, because you know that 90% of the "fresh-cut" trees out there were actually chain-sawed back in August.

Anyhow: The Tree, 2009 version.






This was my weekend: Football, cats and tree:




I am a spinster. Bet you didn't know that. *cough*

Voila:





Note that there is NO tinsel on the bottom two feet of the tree. If you have cats, you know why. Nothin' says "festive" like a cat strolling through the room with a foot-long strand of tinsel hanging out of its butt. Happy holidays!


Oh, and trust me, those curtains are going after the first of the year. Along with those nasty ceiling tiles. Shhhh, don't tell them.

Thinking of warmer days

Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!

Ah-OOOO-ga! Ah-OOOO-ga!

From the NBC web site - ""The Sing-Off" is a four-night event premiering Monday, December 14 (8-10 p.m. ET) that features a one-of-a-kind battle of voices that continues on December 15 and 16, culminating with a live finale on December 21 (8-10 p.m. ET each night).


The show will feature the country's top eight a cappella groups performing popular songs in a way that viewers never heard them before. There's no lip-synching, back-up bands or safety net. They'll be singing for America's vote with the winner walking away with the ultimate prize -- an Epic Records/Sony Music recording contract."




With the enormous success of "Glee", you had to know this was coming. I am assuming they won't autotune the shit out of the songs like they do on Glee, so I'll be tuning in fer sure! Although how much Nick Lachey I can take is anybody's guess.



(Full disclosure: I was not compensated in any way, shape or form for this plug. Just so you know. Although I'm pretty sure I could've left this out, since I am fairly certain that NBC and the FTC have no idea whatsoever that I exist.)