The Apartment Files: The Naked Neighbor, Part III

Here it is ... the moment you've been waiting for ... THE REST OF THE STORY.

Let's see!  When I left off, I had just discovered that my neighbor had been BREAKING INTO MY APARTMENT to use my phone to call phone sex lines.  (Keep in mind, this was back before the days of internet porn.  Porn was not as easily available then as it is today.  Phone sex lines were totally a thing.)

Ewwwwww.

I called a locksmith.  I called the police.  I called the landlord.

The locksmith and the cops got there at about the same time, and let me tell you, that was a party right there.  The locksmith started work on replacing the lock that Corey had repeatedly forced open (and I had him replace all the other locks while he was there), and the cops went to talk to Corey.

Who denied everything.  Of course.

The cops came to talk to ME, and I gave them the whole story, and copies of the phone bill, and said that I wanted them press as many charges as possible.  The cops didn't even bother to dust for prints, which is typical of the cops in this town, who don't actually solve CRIMES so much as they sit around and discuss the chances of their favorite team making it to the playoffs, but they did say that charges would be filed.  They were also happy to share stories of Corey's past run-ins with the law, which, Jesus Christ, wasn't the damn landlord SCREENING these tenants?  (Answer:  No.)

And then the locksmith, who was still there, and the cops started discussing various break-and-enters they had been involved with, and hoo boy was THAT interesting.  And disgusting.  Turns out that, back in those pre-internet days, at least, it was NOT UNCOMMON for people to go into other people's homes to call phone sex lines.  And do OTHER STUFF while they were in the homes, which, EWWWWW, when the locksmith got to the part where he was advising me to throw out any open containers of MILK in the FRIDGE, that was when I think I stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing LA LA LAAAAAA because I would rather live in a world where I don't know that stuff, thankyouverymuch.

In the end, the locks got changed, Corey got kicked out of the building (although it took a few days for the landlord to get the proper paperwork in order to forcibly evict him) and charged with a couple of crimes (although I can't remember what, exactly - it was a long time ago), Corey threatened to KILL ME to my FACE before he moved out, to which I had some RATHER HARSH WORDS (oh you do not want to THREATEN me you F*CKWAD I WILL BURY YOU), his FRIENDS came to ask me to drop the charges because Corey was "going through a hard time" and I LAUGHED in their FACES, and it was all very entertaining.

And scary.

Yeah, it was pretty scary, too.

But that was a long time ago!  And now I live in a house!  With good locks!  Which I had changed right before I moved in because WHO KNOWS who has keys to ANY given lock (Let that be a lesson to all my kind readers!) and the only locks I trust now are the ones I see the locksmith install. (There actually wasn't anything faulty, per se, with the lock on the hallway door; it was just flimsy and was easily popped off the doorframe.) And while my neighbors here are CRAZY, some of them, at least they aren't breaking in to my place to use my phone.  BECAUSE I HAVE MOTHER-F*CKING DEADBOLTS YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT.  Ha.

Yay!

God bless good locks and God damn sh*tty neighbors.

The End.

The Apartment Files: The Naked Neighbor, Part II

Okay!  So!  I was telling you about my neighbor, who I found sitting on the back porch naked one night.

Weeks after that, I got a phone bill that was HUUUUUUUGE.  And it had all these calls on it to a 900 number.  I was mystified, because I never call 900 numbers.  Curious, I dialed the number, and

it was a phone sex line.

A PHONE SEX LINE.

I looked at the times of the calls, and it was all times when I was at work.

and then I remembered the lock on the hall door.

There was a door, at the end of my hallway, which opened into the building's mechanical room.  The apartment next to mine also had a door that opened into that room.  A while back, I had noticed that the hardware surrounding the lock on the door in my hallway was loose.  Almost as if someone had removed it, and then replaced it in a hurry.

You know where this is going, RIGHT?

COREY.

COREY had BROKEN INTO MY APARTMENT through the mechanical room while I was at work and used MY PHONE to call PHONE SEX LINES.  REPEATEDLY.

Well.

The first thing I did was call a locksmith.  Then I called the police.  Then I called the landlord.

and THEN ...



Okay, guys, you'll just have to wait to hear what happened next, because this thing is WAY too long already, again.  Stay tuned ...

The Apartment Files: The Naked Neighbor

I'm not sure how many tales I've told here about the various weird neighbors I had back when I lived in an apartment building.  I know I talked about the old dude downstairs who cranked his TV volume; he, and the guy who moved into that apartment after the old dude died, were the main impetus for me buying a house and GETTING THE HELL OUT OF APARTMENT LIVING.

But I don't know if I ever told you guys about Corey.

Corey was a young dude who moved into the apartment next to mine.  After he moved in, a couple of people warned me about him; they said he'd been in trouble with the law, had mistreated a girlfriend, etc. (hey, it's a small town; everybody knows everybody), but I hadn't had any trouble with him in our limited interactions, which mainly involved crossing paths in the parking lot or on the back porch.

Well, there was that one night, where Rocky had brought in a live baby bunny through the bathroom window and thoughtfully deposited on me in the middle of the night while I slept.  I woke up with a start, the bunny started screaming and went flying through the house with Rocky hot on its heels, and I ended up having to shut Rocky in the bathroom so I could scoop up the bunny and run it out into the backyard to set it loose.  All I had on was a t-shirt and sleep shorts, so I was pretty embarrassed when I headed back up the stairs to my apartment and saw my neighbor sitting on the shared back porch, but then I realized that he was sitting there NAKED and then I wasn't embarrassed for myself any more, just kind of weirded out, but that was the only real incident I had with the dude, until weeks later when I got a phone bill.  A really BIG phone bill.



And now this is waaaaay too long, so tune in next time for Part II of The Naked Neighbor.